If It Weren't For Bad Luck I'd Have No Luck At All
by melraemorgan
Summary: What seems like an ordinary day soon becomes a frightening one for Rodney's friends.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is my first SGA fic. Please be kind.

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate Atlantis, but if I did you can bet your ass it would still be on.

Read and Review it's the kind thing to do.

* * *

Rodney Mc Kay groaned as he heard the incessant beeping of his alarm going off. He was tired, so tired he didn't know if he could manage the arduous task of getting dressed. He would get up because there was no way Dr. Rodney McKay misses work just for being tired. With what felt like monumental effort he slowly sat up and drug his feet to the side of the bed. He sat and panted with the exertion the move had required. Looking at his feet and willing himself to go on, he gave another push and heaved his aching, tired body upright. He smiled with triumph even as he stood wobbly- kneed and weaving back and forth.

_There you are McKay; I knew you could do it! How sad is it I'm cheering myself on for getting out of bed?_ His musings were interrupted by the squawk of his earpiece from the nightstand.

"McKay? Come in McKay. Where the hell are you Rodney?" John Sheppard's irritated voice floated through the air as Rodney picked up the communicator from the table.

"McKay here. What do you want Sheppard?" His fatigue made Rodney sound bitchier than usual. The day was off to a great start.

The Colonel's anger was growing."Why aren't you here at the gate? We are all waiting for you to go to PX-5378. Remember? Come on McKay, you're the one who wanted to check this place out, it's your freaking mission!"

"Yes, of course I remember, Sheppard .Keep your hair on. My alarm… seems to have malfunctioned; I'll be there in a few minutes."

Sheppard heard the pause in McKay's voice it let him know that Rodney was hiding something. Whatever it was would have to wait. He wanted to hurry up and get this mission over with, so they could watch the DVD of the Super Bowl General Landry sent through the gate that morning.

Rodney was nearly out of breath from getting dressed and tying the laces on his boots just about did him in. Something was wrong, he'd been tired before, hell knows he was exhausted 30% of the time from lack of sleep. Every day this week he'd woken up after six or more hours of sleep feeling like he'd not slept at all. This morning was the worst, and it was now obvious this was not just being tired. This was bone-crushing fatigue. Maybe he was getting the flu. Whatever the cause he couldn't deal with it now, Sheppard had his BDU's in a knot and McKay knew better than to poke the tiger.

_I'll ask Jennifer about it when we have our post mission exam._

Sheppard, Ronon, and Teyla were milling about the gate room waiting for Rodney, getting more and more aggravated with each passing moment.

"I'm two seconds from scrapping this thing."

Teyla looked at him and said "I too am frustrated John, but Rodney is on his way, and we will leave soon."

Ronon just paced in restlessly.

Rodney rounded the corner from the transporter and stood at the top of the steps to the gate, he was concerned as to how he would be able to walk down the stairs without his shaking legs buckling.

Sheppard looked up to see him hesitating and called to him "What are you waiting for McKay, a written invitation?" Though Sheppard's tone was teasing, he couldn't hide the obvious irritation in his voice.

"No, I-I'm coming," Rodney swallowed and started taking each step deliberately, praying he didn't end up in a heap at his teams feet.

It felt like it took him ages but Rodney finally made it to the floor of the gate room without collapsing. The power bar and bottle of water he chugged on the way seemed to have helped his weariness.

_Guess my blood sugar was low._

Ronon growled "About time McKay."

Sheppard looked at him his mouth opened ready to chastise Rodney some more, but one look at McKay's ghostly hue and the dark bruising around his eyes stopped him.

"You okay Rodney?" The concerned tone made the other two team members, turned to look the scientists over for themselves.

"I'm fine Sheppard. Geez, I just overslept. Now can we get on with it, I want to check this place for a lab I found in Atlantis' database. It may be a drone facility."

John was skeptical but looked up to Chuck and nodded at him to open the gate. The gate whooshed open and they walked through.

The planet seemed to be a tropical one, a welcome change from the temperate evergreen forests they usually found themselves exploring. The gate was on a stone platform covered in huge vines now seared through by the event horizon. It gave the effect of standing in a leafy tunnel. As the team stepped out into the sunlight, a wall of heat and humidity hit them.

Rodney gasped at the heaviness in the air, his pale brow already glistening with sweat. Even Ronon seemed affected by the oppressive steaminess of the atmosphere.

"Well it's hot, that's for damn sure." John complained.

Rodney pointed and started giggling at his friend.

"What McKay? What's so funny?"

Teyla and Ronon began snickering too.

"What the hell is so freaking funny?"

Rodney caught his breath and stammered "Y-your hair …"

_Oh hell, damn humidity's started it curling up .I'm never going to hear the end of this._

The murderous look Sheppard gave them, stifled the laughter instantly.

"Let's just get this over with so we can get out of this steam bath," he said coldly.

"Ahem yeah, I think we should head in that direction. I'm picking up an energy reading."

"What of life signs?" Teyla asked.

"Plenty of those too, but it's probably just insects." Rodney smacked his neck to kill an offending pest.

"Here," Ronon tossed McKay a can of jungle strength DEET.

They each sprayed themselves generously and began tromping off toward the energy reading.

The way was difficult and Ronon took the lead slashing through the heavy vegetation with his machete' like sword. The ground was uneven the vines and underbrush snaking through their path made walking somewhat treacherous. Everyone was winded from the trek and no one spoke.

Rodney began to slow more and more, his breathing becoming louder and more strained. Sheppard took note, and when they came upon a small clearing declared they should stop and take a break. The team halted and sat down pulling their water bottles from their packs.

"Drink up. You're losing more water than you think in this humidity." Their leader said.

Ronon and Teyla gulped down their waters but Rodney sipped his with what seemed like effort. He lay panting leaning up against what looked a lot like a rubber tree.

John watched his friend with growing concern, "Rodney, you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine. Quit being such a mother hen." Only he wasn't fine. He was quickly becoming more and more not fine. Breathing alone was making him exhausted.

Teyla and Ronon looked at one another and then John, their expressions worried too.

"I don't know about you guys but I need a minute to rest in this heat." John said as nonchalantly as possible.

Rodney was visibly relieved to hear this and he sank back and closed his eyes. He was out in seconds.

John motioned to Teyla and Ronon to follow him to the other side of the clearing.

"John, I believe there is something wrong with Rodney." Teyla whispered.

"Me too," John replied.

Ronon shook his head in agreement.

"He is being too quiet. That is not a good sign."Teyla said.

They all knew if Rodney was quiet, something was definitely off.

"What do you want to do?" Ronon asked.

The Colonel looked at them and said, "We need to go back."

"Yeah." Ronon said.

"I agree as well John." Teyla's mouth turned down with worry.

"Okay, be prepared for him to throw a fit. Ronon you may have to carry him, he doesn't look too good. Teyla you need to be good cop I'll be bad cop." They all knew the plan and their roles. The group walked over to their sleeping teammate full of resolve and ready to face resistance.

Teyla knelt down and gently shook Rodney's shoulder. "Rodney, we must go now."

Rodney's head was facing away from the group but as he stirred, he turned his head toward Teyla. She gasped in surprise and fear. "Rodney, _please wake up_. You are bleeding."

"Mc Kay! Wake up." Ronon's gruff voice could not hide his fear.

"Come on Rodney wake up buddy." John was on the other side of Rodney shaking him as well. There was bright red blood pouring out of his friend's nose and running down his mouth and chin, the blue uniform shirt was soaked with the scientist's blood. God knows how much blood he was losing but it sure seemed like too much.

Rodney could hear them he just couldn't respond. He was too tired, he fought the blackness that threatened to pull him under, but he was losing the battle.

"Enough of this!" Ronon roared, bending down and picking his friend up cradling Rodney protectively.

The three of them walked back through the sweltering jungle, back to the gate, without talking. The only sound was their labored breathing. Rodney's being the loudest, though he lie unconscious in Ronon's huge arms. The friends were scared. Whatever was wrong with Rodney it wasn't good, and it wasn't anything they could protect him from. They felt a sense of urgency that spoke of how frightening the condition was.

"Wait!" John yelled to Ronon.

Ronon stopped at the panic in the Colonel's voice. John ran over to him and looked at the dusky blue around Rodney's too still mouth.

"Shit, he's not breathing!"

Ronon laid Rodney down on a patch of sand and Sheppard checked his airway and began performing CPR on his best friend. "Come on Rodney breathe."

Ronon stood up and started running towards the gate. Teyla stayed beside John ready to take over when he tired. John heard the sound of the wormhole opening and prayed Ronon would bring help in time to save their teammate.

When they heard the gate open again, it was not soon enough. Teyla and John were losing the fight for Rodney's life. Ronon, Carson and two medics, came crashing through the dense vegetation and ran to where McKay lay dying, in his friends' arms.

Rodney's blood was everywhere. John and Teyla's hands and mouths were covered in it, the scene was horrific and Carson was stricken dumb with shock at the grisly tableau. His medical brain took over and he gently pushed John away from Rodney and began assessing him.

"How long has he been like this?"

"Perhaps thirty minutes have passed since we noticed the bleeding. He quit breathing fifteen minutes ago on our way to the gate. John and I have been doing CPR since."

Carson cut open the blood soaked shirt and placed the battery-powered defibrillator's leads on his friend, praying there was a heartbeat. The reading was not good. Rodney's heart was beating but it was in ventricular fibrillation.

"Oh no you don't Rodney, I promised Jennifer I'd look after you. You'll not be dying on me today." He placed the conductive pads on his friends now bare chest, and rubbed the metal paddles together as the machine whined its build up of power.

"Clear!" John and Teyla jumped out of the way.

The few seconds they waited to see if Rodney's heart rhythm corrected, were agonizing. Carson looked at the read out, shook his head, and began charging the paddles again. It had to work soon. The charge on the defibrillator wouldn't last much longer.

Fortunately, the second shock worked. The two corpsmen loaded McKay on the stretcher and ran to the gate, Carson and SGA-1 following close behind.

They were through the gate and on the way to the infirmary within minutes. Woolsey stared at the blood-covered team in disbelief. "What the hell happened?"

"I don't know." John replied, stunned and barely coherent in front of his boss.

"Was there an accident?" Woolsey asked, still trying to make sense of the situation.

"No Mr. Woolsey, there was no accident. I believe Rodney is ill. He was quite pale when we left for the mission but claimed he was just tired." Teyla explained quietly.

Ronon said nothing his arms crossed in front of him in frustration. His warriors vest also covered in McKay's blood.

"Alright, go and get cleaned up, and then you can check on Dr. McKay."

"We'd rather not sir." Sheppard replied.

"Colonel that wasn't a request, and I know how worried you are. Nevertheless, you cannot walk around the city with Dr. McKay's blood all over your face, hands and clothing. So go to your quarters, get cleaned up, and change. I'll meet you in the infirmary."

They nodded and jogged to the transporter.

"Where's Jennifer?" Sheppard asked Ronon.

"Yes, I believed she would be the one on duty," Teyla added.

"Carson said she was off world dealing with an outbreak of _Pegasus Measles._"

John knew Jennifer would be angry about not being here for Rodney, but he was glad she wasn't. The young woman would be beside herself at the sight of her fiancée's limp, blood covered form, and would be unable to focus on saving his life.

The transporter stopped on the floor with their quarters and they dispersed.

Richard Woolsey was a close to the vest kind of man but seeing the faces and clothing of his premier team covered in blood, chilled him to his core. He had a feeling he knew exactly what was wrong with Dr. McKay, and if he was right, things were not going to be better anytime soon. He rounded the corner to the infirmary hoping he was wrong about his suspicions, eager to know for sure what was wrong.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Here's an update I am so sorry for the delay but my computer charger died and had to wait for a new one.

Disclaimer: I do Not own Stargate Atlantis but if I did you can bet your ass it would still be on.

REVIEWS are the lifeblood of quick updates.

* * *

John stood in the shower washing his best friend's blood off. He watched absently as the pink water circled the drain. He couldn't think. His mind was blank with fear. He knew in his heart that this wasn't just the flu or some weird Pegasus Galaxy bug. The city had told him that Rodney wasn't contagious, she also seemed concerned for her head scientist.

As strange as it sounded, Atlantis did commune with all of those who had the ATA gene. With John, it was much deeper; she was always there in the background of his mind and he loved her as if she was part of him, because she was.

John knew Rodney, Lorne, and Carson, understood how he felt because they also had strong expressions of the gene. They could feel her too. However, out of all of them, Rodney sought the city out, always yearning to know her more, to find her hidden treasures and unlock her secrets. He pursued the city of the Ancients like a lover, and she loved him for it. Sheppard could feel the disturbance Atlantis felt over Rodney's illness, she was distraught, and she expected John to do something about it, quickly.

* * *

Carson was watching Rodney closely, his friend was intubated, his breathing too erratic to chance leaving it up to his body. He reached over and fiddled with the IV pump's drip rate, and made sure the tubing from the bag of type specific blood was not kinked or obstructed. The Scotsman could do nothing more but wait for the labs to come back.

* * *

Woolsey waited patiently until it was clear McKay was stable and Dr. Beckett was available to talk. He gave a quiet cough to get Carson's attention.

"Mr. Woolsey. I'm thinking you'd like to discuss Rodney's condition before the rest of his team arrives."

"You would be correct. Is there somewhere more private we could talk?"

"I'm sure Jennifer won't mind if we use her office." Carson held his hand out in an after you gesture.

Woolsey opened the door to Dr. Keller's office and crossed to the small leather couch sitting across from the desk. The men sat on the couch so they could see one another. When they were settled Carson started to speak, but Woolsey interrupted him.

"Dr. Beckett, before we begin the briefing I have a question."

"Aye, what is it then?" Carson was a little annoyed.

"Do you have any knowledge of an Ancient medical device that can cure all disease?"

"No, why?" Carson looked at him with a puzzled expression, and then it dawned on him what Woolsey was really saying.

"Now Mr. Woolsey we can't make any assumptions about Rodney's condition. We won't know anything definite until his labs come back. I will leave no stone unturned to find out what is wrong and then cure Rodney, but for now let's see what the blood work says."

There was an awkward silence and Carson's eyes pleaded with Woolsey to leave his suspicions unsaid. Richard Woolsey was never one to run from the truth, he faced it and he expected his department heads to as well. After all the lives of everyone on the station were in their hands and they couldn't afford the luxury of denial.

"Dr. Beckett, I think you already have a good idea what is going on with Dr. McKay. I know I do. I have seen this before, and it's bad. I just need you to answer me truthfully. Can you do that?"

Carson sighed; he had no desire to utter the words he knew were floating around in his brain, the words he could see written all over Woolsey's face. All he could muster was a shake of his head.

"First of all let me tell you why I suspect what I do. I have seen this before, I watched someone I love die from it. I was hoping I wouldn't have to see it here in the Pegasus Galaxy, and if I am right I want to know as soon as you confirm it. We will need to prepare a strategy as well as a treatment Dr. McKay will follow. Shall I tell you what I think?"

"Aye, go ahead." Carson was defeated.

"Dr. Beckett I believe Dr. McKay has cancer, more than likely a form of Leukemia. What I want to know is how did it progress so quickly without being noticed and how we are going to handle a cancer patient here on Atlantis?"

There it was, the stark truth Carson Beckett couldn't hide from, whether he had the lab results or not.

"Aye it is in the differential."

"Surely you have more than that to say?" Woolsey was growing irritated with Carson's denial.

"Okay then yes. It is my gut feeling that Rodney has cancer, and yes it's probably Leukemia." Carson's voice was shaking with unshed sorrow.

It was then that they noticed John Sheppard standing in the doorway of Keller's office. The look on his face was devastated "What do you mean _probably _Leukemia?" He whispered to them.

"Ach John you were no supposed to hear that. It is just a guess we don't know for sure yet. Sit down lad before you fall over." Carson's words came out rapidly and laced with a thicker version of his accent.

John nodded and stumbled to the chair next to the office door. The trio sat in dejected silence until a nurse in Pepto pink scrubs knocked on the doorframe.

"Dr. Beckett, some of Dr. McKay's labs are back." The pretty brunette's eyebrows were drawn together from fretting over the three men.

"Aye thank you Carla." Beckett took the printout from her.

Carla, knowing she was dismissed, took another sad look around the room at the leaders of Atlantis and left. She was a good nurse and no one would hear the news from her but she couldn't speak for all of the medical staff. Knowing the Chief Science Officer had cancer would be information too good to ignore, too salacious for the gossip hounds to let go. It would be all over the city even before there was an official diagnosis.

Carson looked down at the floor avoiding the printout for as long as possible. Woolsey sat patiently understanding all too well, what this moment felt like. John, on the other hand, was tired of waiting and had no patience at all. The only thing he cared about was knowing what was wrong with Rodney.

"Carson! Would you just read the damn thing?"

With an emotion-filled sigh, Carson raised his head and began reading the results of the CBC. He gasped at the numbers reflected there. Not only was Rodney sick, but Beckett couldn't understand how McKay was even able to walk.

Woolsey knew by the stricken look on the doctor's face that his fears were confirmed; the leader of Atlantis leaned back into the couch and closed his eyes.

"Dammit Beckett what does it say?" John wasn't angry he was panicked.

Carson cleared his constricted throat and answered with a croak. "Aye lad, Rodney is very sick. Even sicker than we thought."

"What do you mean? What the hell does that mean?" John threw his hands up in frustration and began pacing the small office.

Carson stood and placed his hands on John's shoulders in an effort to slow him.

"John, lad you need to calm down. Sit."

Sheppard felt his knees give way and he sat down defeated.

Woolsey waited patiently for the doctor to deal with Sheppard's distress before clearing his throat.

"Okay let me explain what I think is going on with our Rodney. From the results of his CBC it is obvious he has a blood disorder, and with all likelihood it is Leukemia. But as bad as this news is, the larger problem right now is the infection he has and his dangerously low platelet count."

John stopped listening after the word Leukemia. His world was collapsing in on him and all he heard was a roaring in his ears.

"How did this illness get past the scanners?"As the head of the expedition he needed to know why such a thing was possible.

"I don't know, it shouldn't have, maybe it has to do with the gene. I'll admit it is very odd."

John shook off the distress that threatened to consume him and asked, "Will he be okay?"

"I don't know that either John. I won't lie to you, things are not good. But, Rodney is strong and stubborn; if anyone could fight this and win, it would be him."

"What about Ancient tech?"

"Mr. Woolsey asked the same thing, I haven't come across a description of leukemia in the database, then again I wasn't looking, but there has been mention of some remarkable devices that seem to cure most anything. The problem is we haven't found any of them."

When Carson finished John stood up and said, "I want to see him."

Woolsey stood as well "Dr. Beckett I want updates on Dr. McKay's condition every few hours, and let's keep this as quiet as possible."

"I'll do my best, but you know what this place is like."

"Can we just get out of here I want to see Rodney." John was getting agitated.

"Colonel Sheppard I know you are upset but I will need a report and I will expect you at the department head meeting in the morning. Beckett, walk me out."

The two left John standing there with his thoughts. He kept remembering his mother; he lost her to the same damn thing. He knew he had to keep it together for everyone's sake but he needed to see Rodney. John needed to see his friend before he went back to his room and lost it.

* * *

Carson looked them each in the eye before he answered; he wanted to remember them the way they were before they heard the news.

"Teyla dear, Rodney is not doing so well. Not well at all. John listened to Mr. Woolsey and me talking and became very upset by what he heard and he has been sitting here ever since. I can't get him to leave, eat, drink or even respond to me."

Ronon got up and began pacing "Carson what the hell did he hear? Why would Sheppard be so upset ?"

They all knew exactly why John would react that way but no one wanted to speak its name.

"Ronon sit down please you are making me quite nervous." Teyla's normally even tone was now troubled.

Ronon grunted and sat down.

"Please Carson continue."

"The thing that set John off was hearing what we thought Rodney's diagnosis was."

"Would you just tell us Carson?" Ronon was becoming more agitated, but Teyla calmed him with her hand on his arm.

"Rodney has a severe blood disorder. It may be a form of cancer called Leukemia. But the problem right now is the infection and how low the clotting part of his blood is. We are transfusing him and pumping him full of fluids, and when we get the cultures back, we will treat him with antibiotics."

"What else Carson, what aren't you explaining?"

"Okay, here it is… Rodney is dying and we may not be able to do anything about it. This disease is very aggressive and requires treatments that make you very sick and may actually kill you before the disease does. This infection has made him too weak to start the treatment for the leukemia we must clear the infection before he can start.

Ronon stared at Carson blankly absorbing what he's just been told. Teyla was fighting her tears she refused to give in to the despair that had washed over her with Carson's words.

They sat in silence for a minute before Ronon jumped up with a feral growl, punched the steel cabinet and left. Teyla sighed and bowed her head.

"It's alright love, I'm surprised he took it that well."

John came into the room when he heard Ronon's growl. He walked over to Teyla and sat in the chair next to her. He didn't touch her because he knew that they would both fall apart but he needed to be with her.

Carson suddenly felt the panic and fear he'd been holding back all day since this nightmare began, he the urge to run out of there too. But he couldn't he must stay and try to save his best friends life, and try to keep his other friends from succumbing to their collective despair. They were a family and sometimes Carson felt the onus and the privilege of being the father figure to this mismatched band of adventurers. It was a hard and lonely job keeping the people of Atlantis alive and healthy, and it was made worse by his erstwhile family's continual life and death injuries. Yet, this was an illness so daunting, so devastating, he felt out of his depth like he was in free fall.

"What of Jennifer?" Teyla's voice soft interrupted the morass of thoughts their thoughts were lost in.

"Oh God, I forgot about Jennifer."

"Aye, I know for a moment I did too."

"When are they getting back?" John started pacing his signature cool completely gone.

"I think they'll be back in the morning."

"How do you wish to handle this?" Teyla deferred to Carson though Jennifer was her dear friend.

"Don't worry lass, I will tell her." Teyla gave him an appreciative nod.

"John, you sit down you are making me anxious." Teyla rarely spoke forcefully so when she did her teammates knew to acquiesce.

As he sat down his shaking legs nearly gave way, and Carson jumped from his chair to help him.

"Dammit Colonel, you are going to be in a bed next to Rodney if you don't eat and get some rest!"

"I'm fine." His face was ghostly even his lips were white.

"No you're not lad…none of us are."

The silence took over for several minutes each person with his or her own hellish thoughts, but needing the closeness of one another.  
Ronon came back in and joined them in their quiet vigil.

Unfortunately, in the next moment, the silence was shattered by the sound of a heart monitor's prolonged squeal.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I am not super happy with this, hopefully I'll get my mojo back.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own SGA You can bet the farm that if I did the show would still be on.

READ and REVIEW

* * *

Carson and the rest of Rodney's team were by his side in seconds. The heart monitor squealed ominously and the line on the screen remained horrifyingly flat. Carla came running in with a crash cart.

Things were moving quickly, but to John Sheppard he was stuck in a time dilation field, one where each second is agonizingly slow. His heart was pounding as he stared in confusion at the frantic activity around Rodney. The whole event was surreal, he had seen Rodney close to death before, but there was something different about this time. There was a terrifying finality hanging in the air. John was sure it harkened back to his mother's leukemia and subsequent death. A death he had the great misfortune to watch, as it came in increments, culminating in a scene far too close to this one for his ability to cope. He was losing his family again, to the insidious, silent, predator, cancer. It was too much, he wanted to run away, and yet was compelled by his loyalty to stay by Rodney's side. Fortunately, Carson gave him the permission he needed as he hollered at them.

"Get back! You're in the way."

The trio shuffled to the other side of the room, and stood back watching the wild dance of the medical team fighting to stabilize their friend. The team was lost in the sheer shock of it. At least with injuries you knew why, you saw your friend fighting a foe. But this? This was so unfair, it left them feeling a level of helplessness that they could not overcome.

It was all too overwhelming for Ronon and he turned his head away as they jolted Rodney's body a second time. Teyla was gripping John's hand as much to steady him as herself. She felt his legs trembling with the effort to stand, she knew he hadn't eaten or drunk anything in several hours, and also was sure he hadn't been sleeping. Teyla feared this combined with the stress of watching Rodney on the brink of death, that he would collapse.

"John you must sit down." Teyla whispered.

He nodded distractedly barely noticing when Ronon placed a chair under him and pushed him into it. He could not tear his eyes away from the staff valiantly continuing their quest to save his best friend. It was getting harder to believe they would be able to turn things around.

* * *

"How long?"

They heard Carson shout, and John's head reeled at the answer.

"We're at the four minute mark." Carla said.

Carson looked grim faced as he sought John's eyes. His eyes said we should give up. John was out of the chair and across the room in a blink of an eye.

"Don't you _dare _quit! Do you hear me Carson? You better not give up on him! Not yet!"

Carson looked at him his eyes glistening and just nodded.

"Alright we'll give him one more shock at 360."

Carla stopped compressions as the other nurse handed the charged paddles to Carson.

"Clear!"

Rodney's body contracted up off the table, there was the sickening smell of his burning flesh.

"Asystole…" Carson was dejected and on the verge of his sorrow consuming him. He couldn't bear to look at John or anyone. The alarm was muted and the room silent. No one spoke; it was a sacred moment of unfathomable grief.

"Carson, I believe his heart is beating!" Teyla's normally calm voice broke through with a joyful excitement.

"Oh thank God, I knew you could do it Rodney." The relief in the doctor's voice was palpable.

"It's a good normal sinus rhythm." Carla beamed through teary eyes.

Ronon sat down in the chair John had vacated, and sighed in relief. He'd been holding his breath.

Teyla was already at Rodney's side holding his hand.

John was just standing there, frozen.

"Colonel Sheppard? Are you alright?" Carla asked with concern.

He gave an imperceptible nod, looked at Carson who was on his way over, and promptly hit the floor. He landed with a smack, his head hitting the floor with a sickening thud.

"Bloody hell...Colonel!"

Carson kneeled down, and checked him over. His hand came away from John's head covered in his blood. He whipped out his penlight and checked Sheppard's pupils, both were sluggish, the left pupil larger and slower than the right.

Without a word Ronon picked Sheppard up and laid him on the nearest bed.

* * *

No one noticed the figure standing in the doorway, the face pale and mouth agape in horror. She arrived just as Carson was about to give up on Rodney. The sight of the man she loved swallowed by machinery, his bare chest covered with the rectangular burns of the defibrillator left her unable to move. It had to be a nightmare.

When they moved John to the bed, Teyla looked up and saw Jennifer's stricken face. As soon as John was settled, she ran to her friend and pulled the young woman into her arms.

"Shhh, it will be alright. He will be alright." Teyla hugged her fiercely for a moment.

Still mute with disbelief Jennifer felt Teyla pull her across the room to Rodney's side, and placed her trembling hand upon her fiancée's arm.

"Carson, when you are finished, please talk with Jennifer."

Teyla's voice drifted over to him. The gentle request took a moment to sink in, the day was full of loud drama and his ears were unaccustomed to such soft-spoken words. When it registered, he was by his fellow doctor's side immediately.

"Carla clean up the Colonel's head wound, and take him for a CT. I need to talk to Dr. Keller."

"Carson—what ?" Jennifer's eyes were wide with fear.

Carson took her hand and tugged her along with him. She resisted, but the Scotsman won.

"Let's go to your office, we need to talk. I promise you can go right back when we're done."

She tried to grab Rodney's chart as they passed by, but Carson stopped her.

"No lass, now's not the time."

His sad tone made Jennifer's knees weak. She suddenly didn't want to know, and she sure as hell didn't want to go to her office. Whatever Carson had to say was big; it had the power to divide her life into the time before she knew, and the time after she knew. She wanted to stay on the before side of the line, for as long as possible.

Carson guided her to the couch and said, "Excuse me a moment love."

He reached up to his com and pushed the button.

"Amelia, this is Dr. Beckett I need you to find Dr. Biro and two more nursing staff. Have them come in. We need the hands."

Satisfied, he exhaled and sat down next to Jennifer and took her hand in his.

"Jennifer, I know this will be hard for you, as a physician you know how serious certain diseases are. But I want you to promise me now, before I tell you what is going on, that you will not give up hope."

_Oh God… I don't want to know. We are supposed to be married, supposed to be beginning a life together… Whatever he's about to say is going to ruin everything. I just know it. Maybe if he doesn't say it, it won't be true… I can't lose you Rodney._

Carson could see the terror in her eyes, and the war raging within her. Jennifer's hands were trembling, but with a strength she didn't know she had, he heard her say quietly 

"Tell me now Carson, I need to get this part over with."

He sighed and patted her hand, "Now we don't have a full confirmation yet, we still need to do a bone marrow biopsy—"

Her heart sank and she gasped, "Oh my God. He has cancer? Lymphoma or Leukemia?"

She put on her mental lab coat, and tried to separate herself from the raging tidal wave of sorrow that threatened to engulf her.

Carson could see her steel herself and put on a clinical mask. _Good for you Jennifer, be strong for Rodney. We'll get you both through this, I swear._

"I'm leaning towards Leukemia, his platelets are in the basement, and his white count is off the charts because of an infection. We're treating that first, the cultures should be ready in a few hours, but in the meantime we have him on some broad spectrum IV antibiotics. His lungs seem to be the source of the infection, some form of pneumonia. We have him on the vent, to keep his lungs inflated and because his breathing was erratic. Unfortunately, he has had two episodes requiring us to do CPR and use the defibrillator. The cause of this is most likely hypovolemic shock, he's been bleeding from his nose for days apparently, never said anything of course. However, today it was out of control, we had a hell of a time stopping it…"

Jennifer sat through the barrage quietly and waited a moment before she spoke.

Carson gave her the time she needed.

"How? How did we not see this sooner? I just did a scan on him two months ago. He has been very tired lately…"

"Of course he's tired the man never sleeps."

"That's just it; he _has _been sleeping, more than he ever has. I thought it was because he was happy. What an idiot I am…"

" Don't do that to yourself Jennifer… I think we missed minute changes in his CBC, and he's been stuck working on the ZPM problem so he hasn't been off world for several weeks, that kept him from being scanned."

"Still…It doesn't make sense." They both ignored the double entendre.

"Aye, I know. Something about this seems off."

Jennifer managed a tight smile and said, "Well it's a good thing we have the best geneticist in _two galaxies_ to help us figure it out."

Carson ignored her false bravado, remained serious, and pulled her chin up to look at him.

"I won't give up until I solve this, I promise. He's too important to all of us."

Her eyes filled with the tears she'd been choking back,and turned her face away from his sincere gaze.

"How's Colonel Sheppard? He didn't look so good."

"He'll be okay…physically. He hasn't eaten in over a day and was already dehydrated when they came in. I think the shock of seeing … Well, he hit his head when he passed out. But, I think he's only got a minor concussion, so I'll keep him for awhile."

"He was here the whole time wasn't he?"

"Yeah, he was."

"This is where he'll be anyway; it's the best place for him." Jennifer replied.

They sat saying nothing. Waiting for the moment when she was ready go to Rodney, ready to begin the trial that lay ahead of them, ready to fight for their life together.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Here's a loooong chapter.

Disclaimer: I do not own SGA but I should so I could start season SIX!!!

Feel free to review. I will be your best friend.

* * *

It was two days later before Rodney woke up all the way. He woke to find Sheppard in his usual place next to him in a chair, Teyla beside him, and Ronon pacing. Tilting his head up to see who was checking his vitals, he found Jennifer looking down at him, her golden hair a shining corona backlit in the infirmary lights. He felt his heart flutter when she smiled a wistful smile full of tenderness, love and sorrow. With a contented sigh, he smiled back.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"I'm glad you're awake."

"Me too."

His friends knew what was coming and interrupted the couple to say hello to their teammate and to say they would be back later.

Rodney was growing more concerned. He realized that something was wrong with him, he vaguely remembers being on a really, hot planet and then… nothing. From the way, everyone was acting, whatever the problem was, it promised to be bad.

Jennifer pulled one of the chairs closer to his bed, took his hand in hers, and kissed it. He felt a thrill at the touch of her rose-colored lips that soon turned to a chill at the way she avoided looking at him.

Rodney was becoming more scared by the minute, and when Rodney gets scared, he either panics, or gets angry. His friends sitting forlornly in vigil by him, Carson nowhere to be seen, and Jennifer obviously avoiding telling him something, was not only scaring the hell out of him, it was starting to really piss him off.

"Jennifer, would you just tell me, and get this over with?"

He was angry, but he held in his desire to yell, and throw insults, around for her sake.

Jennifer could hear the edge in his voice. She thought he might react this way. She loathed saying the words that hung like rotted fruit in her mind. She was stalling.

"Here, let me get you some water."

She reached over, picked up the cup on the bedside table, and offered it to him. He saw her hands trembling, and decided he could give them this time, the time between them, when he was still innocent of the dark news about to pour from his lover's mouth.

"Thanks."

He wasn't angry anymore, he only felt compassion for the woman he loved. He could see what this knowledge was doing to her. He grabbed her hand and kissed it; he found her other hand and pulled her to him. She lowered the bedrail and climbed in next to him, careful of the IV lines. With her, head on his chest, he began stroking her hair and he could feel her quiet weeping, her tears bathing him in desperation.

Suddenly he felt very tired, before he fell back asleep he whispered to her.

"It will be alright. I promise."

Jennifer looked up and saw a tear slip from his weary eyes.

"I haven't told you yet."

"It doesn't matter. Have Carson tell me later. Right now, I need to hold you."

"Okay."

She was a doctor, a practitioner of science, but for now, she was just heartbroken woman and Rodney was all that was holding her together.

That was how Carson found them, clinging to one another in their sleep. He started to pull the curtain around them to give them more privacy when he heard Rodney clearing his throat.

"She couldn't bring herself to tell me." He whispered.

Carson nodded and waited for what he knew was coming.

Rodney could see the sadness in Carson's eyes. This was his miracle friend, his second chance. Others had a hard time accepting Carson 2.0 but Rodney only saw him as a gift. He couldn't stand the way this felt, everyone looking at him with such sorrow. He just needed to move on from this interminable limbo they were putting him in.

"Carson?"

"Yes Rodney."

"Please just tell me. I can't take watching all of you grieve for me when I'm sitting right here."

Jennifer was awake he felt her stiffen and hold her breath. He didn't comfort her with words because it would prolong his ignorance. Instead he hugged her closer and looked stubbornly at Carson.

Carson was warring with himself, he knew Rodney deserved to know, even that he needed to know, but the not telling him kept it from being concrete. Right now, they were all in some horrible dream state, where everything was fuzzy and unreal, a place where it was easier to deny the truth. Nevertheless, he would tell Rodney, tell him he was dying, and that there wasn't much hope of saving him. He cleared his throat and began.

"You have stage three Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia, your body has been overwhelmed by blood loss and a virulent case of pneumonia, caused in part by the neutropenia you must have had before you caught it.

The concern we have now, is that your kidneys are damaged from lack of adequate blood supply, due to severe anemia and blood loss.

Your only hope is for chemo, and if that doesn't work, a bone marrow transplant.

But your body is too weak, your kidneys would fail, then your liver. You would die from the treatment.

The problem with taking the time for you to recover from all these insults to your body, is that this disease is extremely aggressive and will probably involve your central nervous system at some point and that creates a whole different set of obstacles.

At this point there's nothing we can do but wait and hope you get better in time for the chemo to work. Short of that, or an Ancient healing device… You are going to die"

"Thank you." Rodney's voice was steady and sincere.

Carson collapsed into a chair, buried his head in his hands, and began to cry.

He wasn't supposed to cry, he was supposed to be strong, but hearing himself telling Rodney he was going to die caused the tenuous hold he had on his grief to crumble, and his friend's gratitude broke the last vestiges of his fortification.

Rodney looked up at the ceiling giving his friend moment. He couldn't help but sigh, it seemed he was always hurting the people he loved. He was feeling enormous guilt, but that was all. It occurred to him that this was not a _normal _reaction, but he couldn't seem to muster any fear or concern for himself.

"Carson?"

"Yes Rodney." The Scotsman's voice broke.

"I'm so tired." He was breathing with effort.

"I know lad."

Carson stood and turned up the oxygen, all of the talking was making Rodney's sats drop.

Jennifer hearing the change in his respirations sat up and climbed off the bed.

"Let's put a mask on you."

She busied herself trading the cannula for the clear non-rebreather mask.

"Jennifer… I love you."

Rodney's eyes were growing heavy.

"Carson?"

"Yes Rodney."

"Love you too," and he was asleep.

"Excuse me Jennifer."

Carson ran to the transporter, desperate to make it to his room where he could sob in private.

John Sheppard was on his way in to see Rodney, when Carson blew past him. His heart found a new place in his throat and he began running too.

Sheppard's adrenalin fueled fear had him by Rodney's bed so quickly his head spun.

"Jennifer! What happened? What's wrong?"

"Shhh John, he's sleeping."

"Then why was Carson…"

"He told him, Rodney made him."

John nodded with understanding."Still Beckett looked _really _upset."

"Yeah, well, Rodney told Carson he loved him."

Once again John couldn't stand his legs were suddenly made of rubber. He grabbed the rail of Rodney's bed and eased his rebellious body into the well-used chair.

"John?" Jennifer placed her hand on the trembling shoulder.

"I can't believe it…He's really dying isn't he?"

"Yes, he really is."

She didn't have the strength to cry anymore, but she could try to comfort Rodney's family.

"I-I…" he gasped and she could feel him fighting to hold his tears back.

"Shhh it's okay. You can cry."

"No I can't. Not here, not now."

He felt another cool female hand on his other shoulder. It was Teyla, and he could feel Ronon behind him. The collective tension of a roomful of people hovering on the brink of sobbing was stifling, but none of them could find the strength to leave.

The beep of Sheppard's com broke the cloying silence.

"Colonel Sheppard? Did you forget, we supposed to be having a meeting?"

Woolsey knew exactly where they all were, and frankly, he wanted to be with them, but he had to pull them away from the precipice of their torment and direct their attention to the more mundane things going on in the city.

Sheppard sighed.

"We're on our way."

The boardroom was more lifeless than usual. There were no charts with intricate diagrams and impossible equations on them, no Rodney bouncing around like a kangaroo on crack.

"Look I know what your all going through—"

"How could you _possibly _know what we are going through?"

Sheppard's anger was intense.

The rest of their eyes reflected the same thought, and they stared with bitterness at him.

Richard Woolsey was an intensely private man, and he knew the other leaders of Atlantis were only now accepting him. He was at a crossroads coming from being tolerated to being liked. This was the moment that would give him a chance to find friendship with these remarkable people, but he didn't know if he could do it. Richard didn't know if he was able to share his most secret and devastating pain. He took a deep breath, his decision made.

"Actually… I know exactly what you're going through."

His voice was quiet and sincere.

Their eyes softened at the grief written on Woolsey's face.

"You may have noticed I'm not married, but I was. In fact I only recently took my wedding ring off."

They all began to realize what he was about to say. Jennifer sat and struggled not to cry again.

"We were married for fifteen years, we couldn't have children so we had each other, she was my best friend, my world, my everything.

Sarah was full of energy and embraced life with passion in all her endeavors.

Sarah ran triathlons, rock climbed, was a great cook and exquisitely beautiful. She was English literature professor at George Washington University, we had an idyllic life—

I noticed she began avoiding the things she loved because she was tired all the time. We thought she had the flu…

Until... her nose began to bleed, uncontrollably…

I rushed her to the hospital, and on the way, she became unconscious. I-I was terrified…"

The silence was deafening as Woolsey worked to regain his composure.

"The ER doctors seemed to know something, like they already knew what was wrong. They took her blood, then pumped her full of platelets and fluids to stabilize her, and left me waiting while she lay unresponsive. Six hours later a different doctor came in, he wore a lab coat with his name and department embroidered above the breast pocket. The words stitched there changed my world irrevocably. _Dr. Anthony Lucia, Head of Hematology and Oncology. _I can't remember what he said all I could do was stare at that writing.

That night began a journey filled with hope and despair, joy and pain, ending in Sarah's death, two years later.

So you see I have a pretty good idea how you might be feeling."

They were ashamed of all their petty assumptions of him, this man had lost so much, and he deserved their compassion and their respect.

Woolsey, bowed his head and looked blankly at the table, his mind lost in a memory, when he felt a hand on his back showing support and shared pain. He knew it was Teyla, she was already kind to him but now she was empathizing.

"Richard, we are sorry for your loss and for treating you like you have no feelings. Now is the time for all of us to join our sorrows, and carry one another's burden, until Rodney is healed or he moves on to the Ancestors."

There was nothing left to say, they whole of the ruling contingent of Atlantis could bear no more suffering this day. With unspoken agreement they all stood up to leave, on their way out the men shook Woolsey's hand and the women hugged him. It was all he could do to keep from falling apart right there. Teyla stayed with him and walked him to his room; she hugged him and left him to his grief.

Radek Zelenka wasn't ready to give up on Rodney. Watching the tragic faces of his colleagues as they listened to Mr. Woolsey, served only to strengthen his resolve. He would find a way to cure his irascible friend. The fires of inspiration had him practically running to the lab to begin scouring the Ancient database.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Here's a new chapter, it was so long I divided it in two, so, bonus chapter next.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own SGA if I did they would get the same number of seasons as SG-1.

Please tell me what you think.

* * *

The infirmary was quiet and dark; there was only the glow of machinery, and security lights. Rodney's pale skin shone like marble in the dim lighting. He still had oxygen, and IV's but he seemed better. Carson had him on dialysis every other day for the past week; it made a huge difference. The pneumonia still lingered but it was losing ground. The platelets were still an issue; he had to have FFP to keep him clotting and whole blood for his anemia. The blood was starting to be a problem. General Landry held a blood drive at the SGC and solved the problem.

John liked sitting here at this time of night, when he could have Rodney all to himself, so he could watch him with no one around. He still hadn't spoken with his friend, he was afraid to. Afraid he would be too emotional, afraid of what Rodney would say to him.

Things had taken a turn for the better and it was looking like they could start the chemo in a few days. Sheppard could handle a _not_ dying McKay. Maybe now Rodney and he could talk without having to say things that were too final.

Rodney was watching John through half opened eyes, his heart aching for the pain he saw in John's face and the silent tears that occasionally fell from his eyes. Rodney knew John was avoiding talking with him, he also knew John had come every night to watch him. Rodney had, had enough of John's cowardice.

"John?"

Sheppard's heart was pounding he wasn't ready for this.

"Yeah?"

"Talk to me."

"I am taking to you."

"You know what I mean."

"Yeah, I guess."

"Come here."

John resigned himself to the inevitability of the conversation and scooted his chair closer.

"Thanks."

"Sure, no problem."

Rodney took a deep breath and he coughed. He winced at the panic on John's face.

"You okay? Should I get Carson?"

"John! Stop it. I'm fine."

"Yeah right, you're great."

John stood up anxiously running his hand through his unruly hair.

"John, we need to talk about this. Sit down, and listen to me please. I know you're scared but I need you to hear me."

He sat down feeling a little trapped.

"Okay, I'll listen. I'm sorry."

"I _am_ dying, John. I want to talk with you about it. I need you to listen."

John nearly choked on the lump on his throat.

"I don't know how to do this."

Rodney was growing irritated.

"Do you think I do? I may be a genius but even I couldn't prepare for this."

Suitably chastised John sat back and tried to shut up.

"So talk."

Rodney could hear John fighting to remain stoic.

"John, I'm too tired, and can't stand watching all of you suffering because of me."

"What do you mean _we're _suffering? We are not the ones dying Rodney."

"Dying's easy; it's living that's hard."

"Don't do that. Don't sit there and throw quotes at me."

"Sorry. It's just that I won't put everyone through more of this. I would rather just get it over with."

"You are such a coward McKay. I used to think you were one of the bravest people I'd ever met, you used to be scared out of your mind about something, but suck it up and do it anyway. Now you're too chicken to face some pain."

Rodney knew John was just trying to goad him, and it was working.

"Sheppard, I'm not afraid of _my_ pain, it's everyone else's that bothers me."

"Well that's not your right. You don't get to decide what we can handle."

"Yeah well I_ can _decide what _I_ can handle. Whatever happens I'm going to die anyway. I would rather do it on my terms."

John didn't have a response for that. In Rodney's position, he would choose the same path.

They sat quietly for several minutes.

"Okay."

"What do you mean okay?"

"I mean okay, I get it. It's your decision."

"Thank you John."

"Yeah well, it doesn't feel like I deserve a thank you."

"Call me arrogant, but I think telling me that was hard for you."

"Okay, you're arrogant."

"Ha, ha."

"Well…"

"Seriously John there are some things I want to say, before…"

"Stop it McKay."

"No, John you're going to listen. I don't know how long—how long it will take, or if I will get a chance to say this before—"

"Rodney, I can't… do this. It's too much all at once."

Rodney felt a pang of compassion for him but he would not relent.

"John, please—please let me say what I need to say. Lately I've learned not to take time for granted. If you know what I mean."

John struggled with himself. He wanted to be there for Rodney, _and_ he wanted to run like hell. Run from the death clinging to his friend, from the inevitability of it, his powerlessness to stop it, and the incomprehensible grief he was feeling.

After his mother's death, John swore no one else's death would make him come undone. He learned to keep his feelings closely guarded. Losing Elizabeth was different because he always had hope for her return, and Carson, well that was hard, but Rodney had managed to get under his skin, to become a part of him. Somehow, McKay had worked his way past all of his defenses and made a place for himself in John's heart. Rodney had a foothold in his soul.

He looked at Rodney, and nodded yes. It was all he could manage without completely breaking down.

Rodney took a deep breath and cleared his throat. His voice was quiet but very clear.

"I want you to know you are my best friend and that you changed my life. Your friendship has changed me in ways that made me a better man.

You took a chance and put me on your team, because of you I have seen more, and done more, in these six years than most people do in a lifetime.

You believed in me when no one else would, because of your trust I was able learn to believe in possibilities, to have hope. That belief made me brave, made it so I could fall in love with Jennifer. You gave me the courage to join the human race, not run from it.

John Sheppard you are the brother I never knew I wanted or needed and I am thankful I had you in my life. Lt. Colonel John Sheppard it has been an honor and a privilege serving with you."

Rodney gave him a crisp salute.

John couldn't speak, he was too busy crying. He was fighting to keep from sobbing he lay his head down on Rodney's bed in an effort to cover the sound. He felt Rodney ruffle his hair and he couldn't hold it back anymore.

In Jennifer's office Carson gritted his teeth at the gut wrenching sound of John's misery, try as he might he couldn't stop his own tears.


	6. Chapter 6

John Sheppard disappeared for a few days. If he wanted no one would be able to find him, Atlantis would hide him as long as he needed. No one said anything about it; they knew it was better to leave Sheppard alone.

Meanwhile, things were changing rapidly with Rodney, and he was a lot better. His kidneys were good, the dialysis worked. The pneumonia was virtually gone, and he was a lot stronger. He was still anemic but all the transfusions raised his hematocrit to a safer level and the FFP kept his platelets up. It was time to talk treatment.

"You cannot be serious, Rodney!"

"Carson calm down. Please let's just talk about this."

Carson threw up his hands in frustration and sat down with his arms crossed.

"Jennifer?" Rodney asked gently.

She couldn't look at him. She was full of a rage that threatened to fulminate into one hell of an explosion. An explosion aimed right at Rodney. It was better for all of them if she went back to her office. Jennifer stood up and left without a word. If you looked closely, you would see her hands bunched up in fists and her cheeks flush with raw anger.

"Lad I don't think you want to bother her right now."

Rodney agreed he could see Jennifer was really pissed.

Carson tried to calm himself down and attempted to hear Rodney out. He needed to be his doctor for a moment, and not his friend.

"Look Rodney, I know the thought of going through chemo is a scary one—

"That's not it Carson."

"Then would you please explain it to me. I can't begin to fathom your reasoning."

The physicist sighed and fought the urge to fall asleep.

"Carson I have watched everyone around here suffering because of me. Can you imagine what it will be like if I'm on chemo? I can. I want nothing to do with it."

"But Rodney it could cure you, and at the very least prolong your life."

"You're supposed to be a doctor; you should understand why I feel this way."

"Aye I understand it. What I don't understand is why you don't seem at all interested in the possibility of remission."

Rodney looked down at his hands avoiding Carson's eyes. He took a breath and said in a voice barely above a whisper, "Because, I'm not that lucky."

Carson didn't know what to say to that. He suddenly felt utterly defeated.

Rodney glanced up at Carson's silence. He'd expected some kind of argument. All he saw was a dejected and exhausted man. _That's exactly why. I can't put everyone through this only to die anyway. It would be cruel._

Carson realized Rodney saw his expression and took it as confirmation that he was right. Anger filled his body with adrenalin.

"Rodney, you _are _wrong. We want you to fight, we _need_ you to fight. You think because I'm a doctor that I would give you permission to avoid the unpleasantness of chemo, that I would let you just _die?_ Well you're wrong. I think it would be foolish not to at least give yourself more time, and as your friend, it is hurting me to no end that you won't even try. I can't even imagine what John and Jennifer are feeling. Do you know that John has been missing for three days? He can't deal with this, he needs to be able to fight and you're taking that away from him, from all of us. Maybe we are being selfish, but if that's what it takes to keep you from giving up then so be it."

_Maybe he's right. I don't know. I don't know if I have the strength or the will to go through all that … pain. I hate the way this is tearing everyone apart, but I can't see how prolonging the unavoidable is going to help anyone._

"Rodney? Are you awake?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah, sorry. Just thinking."

"That's alright. Why don't you rest for now? We can finish this later."

"Thanks, I am pretty tired."

Rodney was asleep before Carson could get out of his chair.

Carson stood for a while watching Rodney, how like a little boy he looked, his face innocent and peaceful. This was all so surreal, and it didn't make any sense. What had they missed? How did it get so bad without anyone noticing? Regardless of Rodney's decision, he intended to find out why. He turned and walked toward Jennifer's office hoping she would be there. As he rounded the corner, he ran into Richard Woolsey.

"Oh excuse me Mr. Woolsey, are you alright?"

"I'm fine, no harm done."

Carson could see Woolsey had something on his mind.

"What can I help you with?"

"I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but over hear your discussion…"

Carson's jaw tensed in an effort to hide his irritation.

"What of it?"

"Well, that's actually why I'm here. I wanted to talk with Dr. McKay."

"About?"

"Can we use Dr. Keller's office again?"

"That's fine."

The two walked in and sat on the couch. The Déjà vu was uncomfortable. Carson sat back and crossed his arms warily.

"What did you want to say to Rodney? You're not planning on sending him to Earth are you?"

"No, I wouldn't do that. This is home. Though I do think we may wish to contact his sister and have her come through the gate."

"I was thinking the same thing. Maybe he'll listen to Jeannie."

"Perhaps. That's the reason _I_ came here to talk to him."

"What do you mean?"

"I had a feeling Dr. McKay would try to refuse treatment. It is in his character to protect Atlantis and those he loves. I came here to share with him my experience as the person who was there watching, to tell him that I wouldn't trade a second of Sarah's last two years. I would say that when you love someone you are willing to feel some pain to be with them."

Carson felt himself getting choked up again. Richard Woolsey continued to surprise him.

"I think that is exactly what he needs to hear. But he's worn out right now; I'll call you when he wakes up."

"Thank you Dr. Beckett."

"No Thank you Mr. Woolsey."

"Please call me Richard."

"Only if you promise to call me Carson."

The two smiled companionably and rose to leave when Woolsey stopped Carson.

"On a more official note, how is Colonel Sheppard? He seems to be missing."

"No, he's not missing. He's grieving."

"Okay, but he needs to check in occasionally."

"Don't worry he'll be back soon. He won't stay away from Rodney that long."

Satisfied, Woolsey went back to his office.

Radek was close to pulling his hair out. He kept coming across tantalizing snippets that spoke of devices that could heal people. However, there weren't any descriptions or mention of where they might be found. Radek's relationship with Rodney afforded him a different perspective than his other friends. He knew without asking that Rodney would choose to die rather than fail at being cured. He knew that his brilliant friend couldn't allow his failure to hurt everyone he loved. Radek knew it was up to him to find a way to cure him.

John Sheppard had been hiding deep in the uninhabited parts of the city, he couldn't take being around people right now. He needed to keep his cool and right now, the slightest thing could set him off. He looked down at his broken hand; it was turning lovely shades of purple and yellow. It hurt like a bitch but it was quite satisfying. Atlantis nagged at him continuously to fix her scientist. He scratched his burgeoning beard, hauled himself up, and headed to his quarters.

Atlantis began humming a pleased tune.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Here's an update. Not a whole lot of action but it's coming.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own SGA.

*Sigh* I haven't been getting very many reviews. I need them they are like air.

John walked into Woolsey's office and closed the door.

"Mr. Woolsey, I need to talk to you about Rodney."

Woolsey looked up from his computer monitor, leaned back in his chair and straightened his glasses. He'd been expecting some kind of confrontation with Sheppard and was happy to get it out of the way.

"Colonel Sheppard, so glad you're back. Why don't you take a seat?"

John had no desire to sit down but Woolsey's tone made it clear it wasn't really a request.

"Uhh thanks."

"Now what was it you wanted to talk about?"

"Rodney. He says he doesn't want treatment. I want to know if we can make him."

Woolsey was a little surprised by the directness of Sheppard's question. He turned his legal mind to the question.

"Well, seeing as this is the Pegasus Galaxy there's no legal system that I know of. However, going by Earth standards we would have to consider which country's laws would take precedent Canada or the United States. Technically this is an international expedition and therefore we may be under the jurisdiction of the world court. Essentially this is a nebulous, legal nightmare."

John was a little peeved by Woolsey's lawyer speak.

"What does that mean?"

"It means if you were intending to get an injunction to force Dr. McKay to receive treatment using _non compos mentis,_ you would have a hard time making it work. Nevertheless, it may be worth attempting if we can find a judge that will give a temporary order for treatment until the case is tried."

"So is that a yes?"

"That's a tentative yes. You'll be happy to know I have already been strategizing along these lines this very morning."

"Yeah well, great minds…"

"Indeed. But, I think I have a more expedient method of coercion."

"I'm all ears."

"Dr. Beckett and I discussed bringing Dr. McKay's sister through the gate to try to convince him."

John had thought of the same tactic, but he hesitated because he didn't want to put Jeannie through Rodney refusing. However, time was growing short and he now realized that Jeannie had a right to see her brother and try to convince him.

"Okay, let's do it. I'll go to Earth and have Deadalus beam me to Jeannie's house."

"I'm not so sure that's a good idea. Perhaps someone else would be a better choice."

He was beginning to make John mad.

"Why not me? I'm his team leader."

"Colonel Sheppard you are far more than his team leader. The person I was thinking might be the best choice would be Dr. Keller."

John thought about it and concluded that Woolsey was right. Jennifer was not only Rodney's fiancée but as a physician, she could explain the medical side.

"Yeah that sounds good."

"The question is will she do it."

"Oh she'll do it."

The room fell into a restive silence, until John had a flash of inspiration.

"We need Carter too. We should have her come and see him too. She can tell him how illogical he's being!"

"Colonel, remember we are acting under the assumption that these two women will be in agreement with our position. I think in addition to the social pressure we should proceed with the legal avenue as well."

"It's going to piss him off."

"Good. Frankly, I think Dr. Mc Kay has been far to accepting of his situation and giving him something to fight may force him to deal with it more honestly."

"So what do we do?"

"I will speak to Dr. Keller and if she agrees to visit Mrs. Miller, then when they return through the gate I have a psychiatrist from the Air Force ready to come through with them."

Sheppard was impressed; Woolsey had given this a lot of thought.

"Thank you for caring about this."

"I know we are not friends Colonel, but I would like to be. I truly care about the people of this expedition. I am not just a suit."

"I see that now. I'm sorry we have misjudged you. We held back because we were mad about Sam being removed from command."

"That is understandable. But as dangerous as the Pegasus Galaxy is we need to be on the same page. I'm not suggesting we be in total agreement, only that we have a level of interaction that is based on trust and common goals."

"In other words we should be friends."

"Essentially."

"In that case call me John."

Woolsey knew this was a breakthrough; he was finally becoming one of them. It stirred in him emotions he had denied for years. Nevertheless, when you are in a Galaxy where every day you live is an accomplishment, there is no room for withholding your humanity. The Wraith don't care about your feelings but your colleagues do. People who risk their lives on a continual basis need to have a sense of connectedness.

"Please, call me Richard."

They stood and shook hands exchanging a look filled with subtext. The two leaders had created a new paradigm, the one good thing to come from Rodney's illness.

Woolsey sat down and took a deep breath, taking the opportunity to savor the moment. He didn't realize it but Richard Woolsey was smiling.

Rodney lay in the infirmary pretending to be asleep. He didn't want anyone else to look at him with pity, or his friends look at him with bitter disappointment. He was too tired to argue, he just wanted some time alone.

Carson knew Rodney was awake but he decided to let it go for now. The truth was he was considering letting Rodney go to his quarters. The only concern was that Rodney's depressed immune system would pick up another infection and that could be deadly. Still he understood that his friend needed sometime to process what was happening, and maybe if he did he would come to his senses about treatment. After mulling it over Carson concluded to send Rodney to his room.

"Rodney, I know you're awake. I have good news for you."

Rodney opened one eye suspiciously.

"You're just saying that to get me to talk to you."

"No I don't want to talk anymore for now. Do you want the good news or are you going to keep sulking?"

Rodney smiled; this was what he needed, for things to go back to normal, to have Sheppard snark at him and Carson bossing him around. All that was left was Ronon growling at him and Teyla well, just Teyla.

"I am not sulking. I'm being reserved."

Carson snorted in disbelief.

"Potato, Poh-tah-toh."

"Carson! Just tell me already."

Carson smiled at Rodney's aggravation.

"I was wondering if you'd like to get out of here."

"Are you serious? You're not teasing me are you? Because that would just be cruel."

"Aye I'm serious, but there are restrictions."

"I knew it was too good to be true."

"Just listen before you pout okay?"

"I am _not_ pouting!"

"Rodney, enough!"

Rodney crossed his arms and pouted in earnest.

With a sigh Carson said,

"Anyway, _if _I let you go, you have to do some things differently. You'll have to wear a mask when you walk around the city, and it would be a good idea to carry germ gel with you. You can't eat fresh fruit or vegetables. You will go to bed, sleep every night, and take naps during the day. You have to eat, and that doesn't mean living on Power bars. And last but not least, I need to see you every morning for a vitals check at seven."

Rodney looked at him as if he was crazy.

"I may as well be here!"

"That works for me."

The doctor turned to leave but Rodney stopped him.

"Wait! Can I go to work?"

Carson thought about it for a moment.

"Aye, but only half days, and that means other peoples half days not Rodney Mc Kay half days. Four hours tops, with fifteen minute breaks every hour."

"What are you OSHA?"

"Rodney, you need to comply, or you will be right back where you were."

He sighed and whispered, "Fine."

"Good, I've already spoken with Jennifer, she needs to get back to running this department, but I will remain your physician of record. Teyla, Ronon, and Radek have all agreed to make sure you follow the rules."

"Great I'll never get anything done."

"Take it or leave it."

A look of sadness came over him.

"What about John? Where is he?"

"I haven't seen him. I'm sure he'll come around."

Rodney stared at his hands avoiding looking at Carson.

"I don't think so."

"Why do you say that?"

"I said goodbye already."

"Rodney you're not going anywhere, any time soon if I can help it."

"Doesn't matter, he won't forgive me for giving up."

"I'm sure John is as upset as the rest of us with your decision, and yes, he may resent you for it, but he would never abandon you. You know that."

"It's just that I said things—things that were too emotional to be _not_ dying."

"That is ridiculous. Why is it you both run from sharing how you feel? When it's obvious to everyone you are like brothers! I'm sick to death of this macho bullshit. It takes more courage to tell someone you love them, than to hide behind your _masculinity_! You don't have a problem talking to me because you told _me _ you love me."

Rodney winced.

"Again I was on death's door. Besides, your… you. It's different."

"That is asinine. I have had it with both of you. I would think given the circumstances you would quit wasting time being afraid of stupid things like telling your best friend you love them."

What could Rodney say to that? Carson was right and he knew it. Still, it was freaking him out.

"Yeah, okay. You're right. Now when can I leave?"

Carson decided to be satisfied with that answer and leave it alone for now.

"You can go now if you'd like."

"Really?"

He started removing his IV, when Carson stopped him.

"Whoa wait a minute. We need to remove that IV and get you your supplies. And you need to wait for Ronon."

"Ronon?" he squeaked.

"Yes he has the first watch."

_I hate this! I am a grown man, I don't need Conan to babysit me._

"Whatever. Just hurry up!'"

"I'll send Carla in and be back with your discharge instructions and your equipment in a minute."

Carson walked back to Jennifer's office. He found her waiting expectantly.

"Did you tell him?"

"Aye, he wasn't happy with the rules though."

"Did you think he would be?"

"No, of course not… Are you going to be alright?"

"If you mean am I going to refrain from killing my fiancée, then yes."

"Aye I mean that, and I mean are _you _going to be alright?"

Tears started welling up in her eyes.

"Dammit! I'd be okay if I could just quit crying."

Carson shut the office door, walked over to her and pulled her into his arms.

_God she's so tiny I never realized how small she is. Poor lass she's heartbroken._

"Shhh love, we'll figure this out. It'll be alright."

"No, no it won't be. It will never be alright again."

He didn't know how to respond to that, because that was exactly how he felt. They stood there trying to comfort one another and accept the way things were.

What they didn't know was that Rodney had gotten out of his bed and walked towards the office. As he came around the corner he heard them talking. He heard Carson shut the door. The blinds hid him from being seen but the spaces between the slats showed him everything. Seeing Jennifer in Carson's arms filled him with a jealous rage. Somewhere in his logical mind, he knew it was nothing but a show of friendship. The problem was he was nowhere near logical. He felt his face burn red with anger, and his hands tremble from the adrenalin pumping through his veins. He had to get out of there, and he had to go now, before he did something stupid.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Here's another chapter, I can't seem to put this thing down.

Disclaimer: I do NOT own SGA.

Please review.

* * *

Jennifer pulled away and wiped her tears off with her hand.

"Thanks Carson, I needed that."

"I did too. This has been a nightmare for all of us."

"Except for Rodney." It was out of her mouth before she could stop it.

Carson raised his eyebrow in surprise.

"You don't really believe that do you?"

"Yes…I mean, no. He just seems to be fine with dying, like it's no big deal to him. Meanwhile I am completely losing it. I don't understand his behavior."

"Have you talked to him?"

"No, not about that, I've been too angry with him."

"I know it's hard, but however this turns out he needs you."

She sighed and walked over to open the door.

"I know he does. The problem is, I need him too."

With that, she left.

Carson went to put a kit together for Rodney,and on his way to the supply closet he ran into Carla.

"Dr. Beckett, where's Dr. Mc Kay?

"What do you mean?"

"I went to take his IV out and he wasn't there."

_Dammit, Rodney! _ "Thank you Carla, it's alright I'll take care of it."

Rodney was walking at a furious pace, ignoring the dizziness he was feeling. A part of him knew he was being stupid, but he couldn't stop the rage he felt. He found himself at one of the more isolated balconies and went out and paced back and forth not noticing how cold it was, not caring how tired he was becoming.

_Why am I so mad? Carson would never do that to me. He was just giving Jennifer what she needs…_

That was just it, Carson _not _Rodney was taking care of Jennifer. His knees buckled and he slid down the wall next to the railing. He was out of breath a and he could feel the sweat trickling down his face. Looking out at the cold, dark sea he felt something inside him break.

_Oh God I am dying. I am really dying. I will be gone, and never touch Jennifer again, never give her our first kiss as husband and wife, and never hold our baby in my arms. I will be gone, totally and completely gone…_

Rodney's realization broke the last illusion he had of control. The truth razed his defenses to the ground and he was exposed. He faced the cataclysmic grief and remorse he had been running from, head on and collapsed under the weight of it. He sobbed until he had no tears left and fell asleep out in the cold.

Carson ran to Rodney's quarters. He arrived in record time. He waved his hand in front of the doors they were locked.

"Rodney? Open the door Rodney."

He thought _open_ as insistently as he could. The doors wouldn't budge. He had one option left.

"Control room?"

"This is the control room."

"This is Dr. Beckett, I need a medical override for the doors to Dr. McKay's

Room."

"Right away sir, but Dr. Beckett, there's no one in Dr. Mc Kay's room."

_Where the hell are you Rodney?_

"Never mind then, thank you."

"No problem sir."

_Maybe he's with Jennifer._

He pushed the comm for her frequency.

"Jennifer? This is Carson, is Rodney with you?"

"No… Didn't you discharge him? He's should be in his room."

"No, he snuck out before I could release him, and he isn't in his room."

"Oh no." Her voice sounded very small.

"Don't worry he's probably went to the mess hall."

"No he didn't. I'm in the mess hall now; I was getting us something to eat."

_Great, she takes my advice only to have Rodney run off before she can talk to him._

"I'm sure he's fine, I'll check his lab."

"Carson?"

"Yes love."

"Make sure he's alright. Please."

"I will I promise. Jennifer, why don't you find Teyla and Ronon and see if they can help you find him."

"Thanks I will."

Feeling better after talking with , and choosing to ignore Atlantis' nagging him about Rodney, John decided he wanted to be around people. Three days of solitude is enough for anyone.

He headed to the mess hall hoping Teyla and Ronon were there. He walked in and spotted them across the room talking to Jennifer. He paused suddenly self-conscious he didn't want to interrupt, but the look of fear on Jennifer's face and his team mates swiftly rising to their feet, had him running over to them.

"What's going on?"

They looked irritated with him, but this wasn't the time to talk about it.

"Look, I'm sorry I went off the reservation. But, from the looks of it there are more pressing matters we need to handle. Now, tell me what's wrong."

It was an order not a request. They knew better than to cross John when he used that tone.

"Mc Kay's missing." Ronon growled.

_Why am I not surprised?_

"Okay, Jennifer you go to your room and see if he's there."

"Ronon, you and Teyla check the lower levels of the city. I'll check the jumper bay and then all of the other, usual places."

They knew if anyone could find Rodney John could. The group dispersed, and John went to the jumper bay. 

John arrived in the jumper bay a few minutes later, it was empty but just to be sure he thought _open_ hard enough to open each of the jumpers' hatches, no Rodney, but he did embarrass a couple of scientists using one of the jumpers as a place to make out. He didn't take the time to close all the hatches, he left it for the amorous pair to do.

He hit his comm.

"Carson?"

"Colonel Sheppard, good to hear your voice."

"Thanks, but was he in the lab?"

_Jennifer must have told Sheppard about Rodney. I'm glad he's here to help._

"No, Colonel he wasn't. I'm heading back to the infirmary now to see if he came back."

"No, he wouldn't come back there. But why don't you get a medkit together and meet me in the control room."

_He's right, there's no telling what Rodney's gotten up to._

"Good idea, John. I'll be there in ten minutes."

"While you do that I'm going to have Zelenka look for his transmitter signal. Sheppard out."

"Chuck, I want you to find Zelenka and tell him to get up here _now._"

"I'm on it Colonel."

Richard Woolsey noticed all the activity taking place in the control room and came out of his office looking concerned.

"Colonel Sheppard, what's going on?"

_Ah hell, busted._

"Well it seems Dr. McKay is missing."John drawled in his most charming fashion.

Just then Zelenka came around the corner his eyes wide and his scruffy hair flying.

"What's wrong Colonel?"

"Dr. Zelenka I was just asking the same thing."

Woolsey was a bit perturbed that they had kept him out of the loop, but old habits die hard, so he let it slide.

"Radek is there any way you can find him using his transmitter?"

John asked him, fully aware he may be stepping on Woolsey's toes.

"No, is very difficult. But I can boost the internal sensors a bit so we can see life signs through more of the city."

Radek waited for the order to go ahead with the modifications, not knowing which person was supposed to give it. This chain of command thing was always so confusing and unnecessary, in his opinion.

Woolsey waited to see what Sheppard would do, making sure he let him know with a look that he was not happy with John for keeping him in the dark. He wouldn't say anything here, but he made it clear what he thought.

_Crap, and we were making such progress. I hope he'll understand and let it go without being too pissed._

"Dr. Zelenka, please begin the modifications of the sensors." Woolsey's tone was authoritative.

Zelenka nodded, glad the tension was gone from the room and he could focus on finding Rodney.

"Radek, How long will it take?"John asked.

"Perhaps an hour, possibly two."

"Well we'll leave you to it, ."Woolsey replied.

Sheppard could see Woolsey wanted to speak with him, so he followed him into his office.

"Colonel, do you have any idea where Dr. McKay might be?"

"Actually I do and I need to get started looking, because there are too many balconies that we haven't charted yet. I'll also check the piers."

"Very well, but I want you to put together some search teams to help you."

"Thanks that will be a big help."

Woolsey nodded, and John thinking he was dismissed turned to walk out of the office.

"Just a minute Colonel."

_Damn, thought I was home free._

"Yes?"

"Colonel you are the military commander of this base, and I am the civilian leader, but don't forget that I am the final authority here. Furthermore, why would you keep me from knowing the situation with Dr. Mc Kay?"

_I screwed up, just when I thought we were over all this…_

"I know Mr. Woolsey and I'm sorry I was simply too focused on finding Rodney and didn't tell you."

"Well you know John, I'm not sure I believe that, but in light of our burgeoning friendship and Rodney's disappearing act, I'll let it go."

He smiled a genuine smile at Sheppard and was pleased to have it returned.

"Thanks Richard. I'll remember to keep you in the loop."

"Good, now get out of here and find our Chief Science Officer."

"I'm on it."

John found Carson waiting for him a medkit hanging on his shoulder.

"I'm ready Colonel."

"Good Carson. Let's get going."

They ran as fast as their legs would take them to the first of many balconies Rodney was known to frequent. The day was slipping into evening the air growing colder, and John was beginning to panic.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Here's chapter nine.

Disclaimer: Blah blah blah.

Please review, I'm begging you.

* * *

It had been several hours since Rodney took off. All of Atlantis was looking for him. Nevertheless, the search was painfully slow; there was just too much ground to cover. They could be searching for days and never find him. Radek's modifications of the internal sensors went off without a hitch, they just weren't finding anyone in the unused parts of the city. He finally decided to try extending their zones out ward to cover the external parts of the city, hoping that this might expedite finding Rodney if he were on a balcony. Those changes required time but they were now about to try them.

* * *

"Colonel Sheppard the sensors are ready."

John responded on his comm.. "Thanks Radek, ready here."

All personnel except the search teams were confined to quarters or the mess hall, and control room. This was to keep other life signs screwing up the search.

In the hours following John's discussion with Woolsey, he had assembled Major Lorne and several marines to start a grid search of the city, they had found undiscovered living areas, and even some new labs but no Rodney McKay.

There was a crowd looking over Radek's shoulder at the sensor screen, everyone was holding their collective breath.

"Is coming on line now."

There it was, a faint life sign out on a balcony close to the outer pier. They would have never found him in time.

"Colonel Sheppard and Dr. Beckett we found him, you're the closest but you need to hurry he's outside and the temperature has dropped twenty degrees."

Mr. Woolsey's voice was full of concern, and Carson felt the hairs stand up on the back of his neck.

"Mr. Woolsey, please send the coordinates to Major Lorne and the corpsmen with him. I'll need the gurney, oxygen, blankets and warmed bags of normal saline."

"We're doing it now."

The whole time Carson had been talking he and John were rushing to Rodney. Luckily, there were enough transporters saving them a lot of time, but they had to walk the rest of the way and it felt agonizingly slow.

Lorne's corpsmen were fast on their heels they could hear them rolling the gurney down the hall behind them.

Several feet away they saw the doors to the balcony and John had them open well before they arrived. From the hall way they could see the white of the scrubs Rodney was wearing lying in a heap in the corner beside the rails of the balcony.

"Oh God Rodney what did you do?"

Carson ran to him, but John hesitated. He was too afraid that Rodney was dead. He didn't want to see, he couldn't bear it.

"John get over here I need help!"

Rodney was suffering from hypothermia. His lips were blue, and he was unconscious.

John ran to Carson's side and began assisting him. The corpsmen arrived a minute later with Jennifer in tow.

She thought she could be clinical and see him as a patient but the sight of him lying so still, his face blue, shattered any thought of being objective. Jennifer was just Jennifer, who loved the dying man fiercely.

"Rodney, don't leave me. Please."She cried.

"Jennifer, you need to get out of the way so we can work." Carson said as gently as possible given the circumstances.

* * *

It took a long time to get Rodney stable enough to move him and the way to the infirmary was a nightmare of stopping every few feet to keep him alive. When they finally got him to the ICU he was beginning to pink up. But he was still unresponsive.

The two hours it required to bring his core temperature up to a safe range were torturous. The medical staff was exhausted but there was a long way to go before Rodney was out of the woods.

Carson began tapping on Rodney's face.

"Rodney? We need you to wake up. Come on lad."

Nothing. He was breathing his heart rate was fine but he wouldn't wake up.

_Rodney you idiot. How could you be so fucking stupid? It's not bad enough you'll be dead in a few months you have to go and speed things up. When you wake up, I'm going to kick your ass._

Though no one could hear John's interior monologue there were a lot of people who shared his sentiment.

"Okay it's on to the pins."

_Ouch. Stop that dammit! Who the hell is doing that? When I figure out how to open my eyes I'm going to kick their ass._

"I think he's responding but it's not enough to wake him. So I'll have to try a sternal rub."

_What the fuck are you doing to me? That hurts like hell! Holy crap ! Again? You have to do it twice? All right that's it I'm going to kick your ass. There's no way in hell you are doing that again._

Rodney's eyes flew open and they were filled with anger. He gasped and hollered just before Carson tried again.

"If you don't fucking stop doing that to me, I'm going to kick your sheep herding ass!"

The whole room burst out laughing even Richard Woolsey. It was the most normal Rodney had sounded in weeks.

"Well if you weren't so lazy I wouldna have to do it."

Jennifer ran over to him.

" You moron! What were you thinking?" She yelled.

"I was thinking I needed to get out of this damn infirmary and get some fresh air."

"Well mister smartest man in two galaxies your plan kind of backfired." John said sardonically.

He was happy to be able to tease his friend again. It was a little weird since they just pulled him from the brink of death. But, he would take it over the angst they had all been subject to lately.

"Oh ha haa, Colonel Mensa-Dropout." Rodney snarked.

"Hey you weren't supposed to tell anyone that!"

Sheppard sounded genuinely upset.

"Well I'm dying so I can do whatever I want."

He was as petulant as ever, yet that statement brought the mood down to the basement.

"That's enough you two. All of you get out of here I have to do a neuro check."

Carson started shooing Rodney's team mates away from the bed.

"W-wait a minute, I'm not f-f-finished yelling at the w-walking…"

He threw his head back and his eyes rolled back into his head. His arms and legs began flailing about and his back contorted convexly off the bed. This was a seizure of epic proportions.

All of the non-medical staff were stunned by Rodney's thrashing about and the painful way his back arched up off the bed. It was so shocking they couldn't move. They wanted to tear their eyes away but the sheer violence of it held them in place.

Meanwhile, the nurses and corpsmen were holding him down trying to keep Rodney from hitting the rails and breaking a limb or injuring his head. Jennifer was keeping him from swallowing his tongue, and Carson was throwing whatever meds he could into Rodney's IV to stop the freight train going through his body.

Once again Carson called out.

"How long?"

" Five minutes." Jennifer replied flatly.

_Damn it's in his brain. We are on borrowed time. I'm so sorry my friend, no one should have to go through this._

All the medical people understood what was going on, and what it meant. As Rodney's body began to relax, they exchanged knowing looks with one another, avoiding Jennifer's eyes. However, the other people in the room while disturbed beyond belief, assumed the seizure was related to his hypothermia.

Everyone that is, but Richard Woolsey, the horrific scene triggered in him a memory, and in seconds he was overcome with a flashback of Sarah suffering a similar seizure. Only her seizure didn't happen in the hospital, it happened while they were in Georgetown celebrating their tenth anniversary.

In the suddenly quiet room, Richard's gasp was very loud. All eyes turned to him but he didn't see them, he saw Sarah suffering on the floor of a French restaurant, and no one would help them.

"Call 911, someone please…Help us, please."

His voice was full of fear, tears running down his face, and his hands trembling, he began to hyperventilate. He fell to his knees, and his glasses fell off. He started begging unseen people to help Sarah. To help him…

"Richard!" Carson yelled.

The doctor ran over, but John was already there. He knew exactly what was happening to Richard Woolsey.

"Hey Richard, open your eyes for me. Come on, yeah that's good, now I want you to try to slow down your breathing. Good, you're doing great buddy… You're in Atlantis, and you're safe. Sarah's not here Richard, she's not hurting anymore. It's okay, you're okay."

John's voice was tender and kind. He understood all too well, what Richard was going through. He'd experienced more than his share of flashbacks of his time in Afghanistan. He felt nothing but compassion and empathy for the man.

Carla brought Carson a syringe with Klonipin in it, and went back to finish putting the EEG on Rodney. Jennifer was handling Rodney's care; her medical training took over when Carson went to help Woolsey.

Richard started to leave his nightmare behind, only to wake up in another one.

The whole of Atlantis seemed to be watching him fall apart, for dozens of eyes were staring at him full of shock. Richard became overwhelmed with shame, but before he could run away and hide the drug began to work and he was overcome with lassitude.

"Alright Richard, Carson and I are going to move you to a bed so you can rest."

When they settled him in, just as he fell asleep he looked at John, his eyes full of gratitude.

"Please don't leave me."

"I won't buddy, I'll be here when you wake up."

Carson strode over to the crowd assembled in the infirmary and the hallway, and lambasted them for their voyeurism.

"Get out of here all of you. This is an infirmary not a theatre! And let me tell you what, if I hear so much as one hint of gossip about these two men and what they've gone through today, I will find you, and beat the hell out of you! Do I make myself clear?"

Most of them had never seen Carson lose his temper; they all assumed he was just a big teddy bear. The man before them bore no resemblance to a cuddly toy. He looked downright scary. Suddenly they all became very aware of his size, and knew he could make good on his promise.

"Why are you still standing here gaping at me? Do you want me to start the beatings now?"

It was like Moses parting the Red Sea. Where once there was a crowd, was now an empty room.

John watched the fuming doctor with great appreciation and newfound respect. When Carson calmed down a bit, he decided to comment.

"Hey Carson?"

"What John?" He replied tersely.

"Remind me never to piss you off."

Ronon was standing in a corner out of the way watching the drama unfold.

"Yeah me too." Ronon rumbled.

"Yes, Carson I would not like to be the object of your displeasure either." Teyla said with all seriousness.

That did it, Carson laughed. They all did. He was thankful for the joking around; it eased the suffocating tension in the room.

However, that moment of mirth didn't last, because Jennifer called for him.

"A little help here he's seizing again!"


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Here's the world's longest chapter. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Me no own SGA.

Please, I beg of you review. I'm going to hold my breath until I get ten reviews.

* * *

Rodney heard voices quietly talking beside him, the conversation drawing him out from the veil of sleep. He caught words and phrases here and there but he didn't really understand them. He was feeling like he'd been beaten with a 2x4, and was confused.

_What happened? Why am I so sore? What are they saying? I can't seem to make sense of it. My brain feels like it's muffled in cotton, everything is wrong somehow._

"We need to bring an oncologist in. I'm not comfortable doing intrathecal chemotherapy, that's way out of my range of expertise."

"Where are we going to find an oncologist with the clearance to come to Atlantis?"

"I don't know but I want to ask General Landry and General O'Neill, General O'Neill is supposed to be close to the president and I will pull that card if I have to."

"We need to talk to Carter she can get O'Neill to help us."

"What about the Tok'ra? They still need hosts right?"

"No way would Rodney go for blending, look what happened with Cadman."

"Yeah you're right."

"Radek how's it coming on the search?"

"I was just going to tell you I have found a reference to a lab in the city that may contain what were looking for."

"Well, what are we waiting for?"

"We don't know where it is."

"You mean it's hidden? Like Janus' lab?"

"Yes, in fact he may have helped invent the device."

"Keep working on it. I'll send you some guys to help you search."

"Hey Carson, have you figured out what caused this? I mean how we could miss it?"

"I have a theory."

Carson seemed hesitant to share his thoughts.

"Come on, out with it."

"I think it may have something to do with the ascension device."

"What? How? Is it making him ascend?"

"No, it's not that. I think when we reprogrammed it with Rodney's DNA it set off the gene for leukemia."

"Let me get this straight, Rodney has a gene for leukemia and you think the ascension machine turned it on?"

"According to Rodney's family history five people have died from leukemia that are relatively close to his generation, granted it's a large family but that is still statistically relevant. What makes it worse is that both his mother and his father have first-degree relatives who died of leukemia, his maternal grandfather and his paternal grandmother.

So you see, it was almost a foregone conclusion he would develop leukemia, but I believe what has happened is the machine has sped the process up exponentially. When we first diagnosed him he was at stage three, he is now stage four and fast approaching n-stage, to go from no sign of the disease to close to death in a little over three months is virtually unheard of."

The group grew silent, the seemingly insurmountable odds crushing all hope.

"What are you talking about in there?"

The five of them were huddled around Woolsey's bed the curtains drawn for Richards privacy. They were having a meeting about the Rodney situation.

Woolsey gave his opinion.

"Dr. Beckett, I think it's time to enact our plan. I will contact the SGC about the oncologist. Unfortunately we may have no other option than to send him to Earth."

"At this point I don't care. Let's just do it." John said.

"Yes, why don't we make it easier and send him to the SGC?"Teyla chimed in.

"Because he might die, and I would never forgive myself if he died away from Atlantis." Jennifer whispered.

The only thing Rodney heard was "…send him to the SGC". He sat up and began to get out of the bed but his leg was numb he couldn't get it to work.

He started muttering to himself. "My fucking leg doesn't work, what the hell?"

It was then he started noticing the burning sensation in his feet, and the itching he felt all over.

"Oh my God, make it stop."

The curtains whooshed open and they all came running.

"It itches so bad, make it stop Carson."

"Alright Rodney we can fix that."

"Oh and my feet feel like they're on fire and my right leg doesn't work anymore. What happened? I don't remember any of the mission? Where did we go? I must have picked up some weird bug."

John felt his gut clench, Rodney didn't remember he had leukemia, didn't know he was dying.

"Och, that's alright Rodney, the rest of the Scooby gang can fill you in later. Right now let's see if we can make you more comfortable."

John and Richard both paled at the phrase "…make you more comfortable." it brought back the worst memories of the women they loved last days on Earth, John for his mother and Richard his wife.

Carson saw the men blanch and realized his mistake. He quickly pulled the drugs from the nearby cabinet.

_Beckett you idiot! You know better. You need to be more careful._

"Here we go Rodney that should help." He injected the steroids and diphenhydramine into his IV.

"Carson?"

"Yes Rodney?"

"You look like crap."

"Well you're no beauty queen yourself."

"Seriously Carson are you sick?"

"No Rodney I'm just tired."

"Oh, okay. Jennifer, come here and see me."

"She blushed at his seductive tone."

"Uhh McKay we're all still here you know."

"Yeah so?"

"Okaaaaaeee, think I'll head down to the mess. Anyone want to join me?"

"Not so fast Sheppard."

John turned around with a sigh.

"What is it Rodney?"

"Why the hell are you trying to send me to the SGC?"

"Ummm why don't I let Carson explain that to you?"

"No, I want you to explain it."

The group made pained furtive glances at one another each pair of eyes asking 'What do we do?'

"Okay, because we don't have time to screw around anymore I'm going to cut to the chase."

"Please do."

"Rodney you have stage four acute lymphocytic leukemia. It has gone to your brain and central nervous system, you have been having seizures on and off for the last twelve hours…"

It all came back to him in a terrible rush.

"ENOUGH! I remember now."

"How long do I have?"

No one said anything.

"God dammit somebody tell me when I'm going to die! What about you Mr. No-Time-To-Screw-Around?"

John swallowed his sudden anger and looked Rodney in the eyes. He hardly recognized his friend any more. In the past several weeks Rodney had lost so much weight, the bones of his face poked through his skin, and his blue eyes were sunken and ringed with dark bruises. The once azure orbs were faded to a tired sort of blue, like washed out old blue jeans. His elbows and knees poked out sharply, he was beginning to look like a skeleton. Rodney was slipping away by the minute.

"Not long Rodney, not long at all."

"Could you elaborate on that?"

Carson cleared his throat.

"Rodney, your platelets have dropped again, your blood is virtually devoid of iron and your organs are starved for oxygen. You are coming to the end, there is still a slim chance we can turn this around but you'll have to go back to Earth to do it."

Suddenly he felt like he couldn't breathe and the room was closing in on him all these people around him were making him claustrophobic.

"Get out! All of you, just get out!"

The others began leaving but Jennifer remained.

"That includes you, Jennifer."

"Fine, but put this mask on, you need oxygen."

She replaced the mask, turned up the oxygen to fifteen liters, and kissed him on his forehead.

"I love you Rodney McKay, and I always will."

She turned and walked away. If she stayed just a few seconds more she would have seen his eyes fill up with tears.

Richard watched Rodney push them all away, and saw what it cost the man. He couldn't hold his tongue any more.

"You are a fool."

"Who asked you baldy?"

"No one, but I'm going to tell you anyway. It's not as if you have the strength to get away."

That hurt, and Woolsey meant for it to.

"You have wasted too much time and now you are days, maybe hours, from death, you're scared, and suddenly all that nobility and dying peacefully doesn't seem like such a good idea."

Rodney glared at him. "Go on, I want to hear it."

"I wanted to talk to you, but then you went on your little adventure. I'll settle for right now. Of course had Carson known you would do something so stupid, or that your cancer had spread to your brain, he would have never even considered, letting you go."

Rodney felt defeated,and he found he didn't have the will to spar with Richard Woolsey.

"So talk, or leave me the hell alone."

His irritation growing by the minute, Rodney crossed his arms and tried to stare Woolsey down. Woolsey wasn't buying it.

"You say you wanted to spare everyone having to watch you drag the inevitable out, seeing you suffer. Never once did you give a thought to what they want. What Jennifer wanted? You applied your logic to the problem and decided to submit to the foregone conclusion of death."

"Yes, yes, move on we covered this."

"I wanted to tell you my story but I don't know if you are selfless enough to understand its meaning."

Rodney's pale cheeks flushed with shame, though he wasn't sure why.

"No, please. I want to hear it."

Richard considered it for a moment and decided to share with Rodney.

"Fine, but you can't interrupt. Besides you need to concentrate on breathing."

"Okay, I'll just sit over here breathing."

"The short version is that my wife of ten years died of this same disease. Her name was Sarah and our life together was amazing, we were soul mates as hackneyed as that sounds, she was my better self embodied in flesh. She was as beautiful in side as she was out, and I asked myself everyday 'what did I do to receive such a precious, gift?

When we found out about her illness I fell apart, and though she struggled to breathe sometimes, and was in terrible pain, she always worried about me, and cared for my feelings. When things began to get bad in the first few weeks during chemo, she saw me crumbling with self-indulgent despair at watching her suffer through losing her hair, losing weight, becoming a shadow. So she decided to stop treatment. I'll never forget the day she called me closer to her bed, she had barely the strength to speak, and started to tell me of her decision.

Well that did it , I snapped out of my pity party and told her in no uncertain terms that if she really loved me she wouldn't quit. Maybe that was selfish of me, I don't know. Nevertheless, she went into remission and stayed there for fifteen months before it came back.

It was the most extraordinary time of our lives. She took a sabbatical and I quit my law practice and sold my partnership. That gave us a few million dollars to play with. We took a list of places she always wanted to see and do and we went and did everyone we could. It was marvelous. I started to hope for our future but Sarah always knew it would come back, and she savored every moment.

The night of our tenth anniversary, I took her to the most exclusive restaurant in Georgetown. I intended to propose to her all over and whisk her away to Tahiti to renew our vows. It was the most relaxed and joyful I had ever been.

Just as I pulled out the diamond anniversary band to ask her to marry me again, she gave me this funny look and slumped over in her chair. I was up and beside her in seconds, but I wasn't able to keep her from falling to the floor, where she went into a grand mal seizure that was so violent she broke two teeth and received numerous contusions. No one would help me, I begged them to call 911 but they sat there embarrassed and shocked. Fortunately, for us, one of the servers had epilepsy himself, and called 911 immediately. It was the most terrified I have ever been.

As we rode in the ambulance I knew our time was up and I openly cried as I held her hand and whispered to her, 'I love you please don't leave me'.

It was the beginning of the end. We still had good days, but as our time wound down, she became less and less lucid.

Her last day on earth was in early summer. The sun was out, and the sky was cloudless. I pushed her in her wheelchair through the beautiful garden of the hospice, and we laughed, talked about our first year of marriage, and how we were so poor we lived on Kraft macaroni and cheese and 10 for–a- dollar packs of ramen noodles.

She was so present, so in the moment, I wondered if she was getting better and had a whisper of hope.

I guess Sarah knew what I was thinking, because she put her hand on mine and pulled me down so I could see her face.

With her voice clear as a bell, she said to me, 'Richard my love, it's time for me to go. I am so tired, I can't fight anymore.' It was then that I understood she had stayed for me and gathered her last bit of strength to spend this day together.

Suddenly I had peace; I knew I could let her go, that I could be there for her when she needed me most.

I leaned in and kissed her softly on her lips and said, 'It's alright you can go now. I'll be okay. I love you Sarah, thank you for loving me.'

She smiled and answered, 'Richard I had no choice, you were the piece of me that was missing. Thank you for giving me such a wonderful life and a beautiful death.' She closed her eyes like she was falling asleep, and I held her hand.

It took a long time for her to breathe her last breath, I had an idea what to expect because the hospice worker told us what would happen.

Her breaths became farther and farther apart, until with one last struggling, wheezing breath. It was her last, and she sat facing a glorious summer sunset and died in the twilight."

Rodney was crying quietly but his crying became more desperate, and he found it harder to breathe.

Carson, John and Jennifer stood on the other side of the curtain and listened to the whole story. Carson had his arm around Jennifer as she wept on his shoulder. John clenched his jaw and held his breath to keep from crying, an occasional tear escaped but he wiped it away before it fell.

Carson was about to come to Rodney's rescue fearing he was headed towards respiratory arrest, when he heard Richard start to speak again.

"Dr. McKay? Rodney? Try to calm down, I have one last thing to say and I need you to hear it."

Rodney took deep slow breaths, his oxygen sats improved and he was able to relax, he wanted to hear what Richard had to say.

"Are you ready? Just nod."

He nodded yes.

"I will never regret the extra time I got with Sarah. All of it, even the bad times when she was so ill she couldn't speak, was worth it just to spend another minute with her.

She didn't have to stay as long as she did, she could have quit her treatments or said no to begin with. But she didn't because she loved me. It was her last gift, and I will carry that bittersweet time in my heart forever. So I ask you how could you deny Jennifer, or John or Carson or any of your family that gift?"

Rodney was quiet for a long time. Then he turned to Richard who sat patiently waiting for his answer, and said, "What if it's too late?"

"Then at least they will know you tried, at least you will show them what they mean to you, and that you care about what they want."

He grew silent again; Woolsey could see him struggling with himself, with his fear and regret. After a minute, he looked at Richard once more.

"Okay, I'll do it. I just hope it's not too late."

Richard just smiled a gentle smile got out of his bed and walked to Rodney's. He bent down and gave Rodney a hug. It was so unexpected Rodney didn't have time to recoil, he found himself with his arms wrapped around Richard Woolsey and appreciating every moment of it.

"Thank you, Mr. Woolsey. You'll never know how much this has meant to me."

"I think you can call me Richard considering we just shared a manly hug of friendship."

Rodney laughed and said, "I don't think first dates in bromances usually end in crying and hugging, Richard."

Richard waggled his brows and said, "Well Rodney, we just skipped to the third date."

John laughed aloud at Richard's innuendo he tried to stifle it, but it was too late. Carson was holding his hand over his mouth to keep his laughter from escaping. Jennifer just rolled her eyes at the entire conversation, and the two boys standing with her.

"You can come out now."

"Yes do come out, it's getting a little creepy." Richard quipped.

"Yeah what are you guys stalkers?" Rodney jibed.

"Oh no what have we done, there's two of them now." Carson groaned.

"Alright boys settle down, we have a lot to do." Jennifer said sternly


	11. Chapter 11

A/N: I don't think I've ever done this before… this is to Max who took the time to leave me a very detailed and heartfelt review. There was no way for me to respond in a PM so I am responding here.

The concerns you expressed as to the fairness of everyone forcing their will on Rodney, bothered me too, but as you pointed out this is a dramatic piece and I had to make a conscious choice to take the path I did.

My mother has leukemia and my fanfictions are full of cancer. I guess I am trying to work something out using this as a vehicle. While my mother has CLL the end of this disease is the same as ALL it just takes (sometimes a lot, years even) longer to get there. The thing with Rodney being diagnosed at such a late stage when his CBC's showed nothing out of the ordinary, happened to my mom. She was diagnosed with stage IV CLL after having had a clean CBC a year earlier. I sped Rodney's process up, because of the inherent aggressiveness of ALL in adults, and because of the sci-fi element.

I think the characters are behaving the way they are because of how quickly Rodney deteriorated. If they had more time with him, or more time to adjust to his impending death, and if they really had a chance to see what chemo does to people, they would never force him to go on. The other factor I imagine to play a role is their inability to give up, and being shocked by Rodney's willingness to quit fighting. After all John's motto is "…we never leave anyone behind," and in his eyes that's what Rodney is doing, and if his friends gave up they would be doing it in return.

As someone who wanted to be a doctor and realized it a little too late, and as a daughter of someone with leukemia, I appreciate your thought provoking and honest review.

Disclaimer: I do not own SGA

Please review, as you can see it really does mean a lot, and is important to my growth as a writer and a human being.

Woolsey was out of the infirmary and working on the details of Rodney's transfer to the SGC. Part of him wondered at the wisdom and fairness of pushing Rodney to get treatment. He was ambivalent about the whole thing.

As a loved one of someone who died from ALL he was biased, as a man, he understood exactly why McKay was reluctant. Richard told himself that it was for the physicist's own good, and that in the treacherous Pegasus Galaxy, where around every corner was unimaginable danger, there were also incredible miracles. He told himself that taking Rodney to Earth for treatment bought them all more time, time for Radek to find the Ancient device, or time for Rodney to get better using conventional medicine.

Carson and Jennifer having coordinated with Dr. Lam were prepping Rodney for his trip through the gate. His treatment would take place at the SGC where an oncologist could be brought in without the gate and their extra terrestrial missions becoming an issue.

Getting Rodney more stable and ready for treatment was tricky, there were drug combinations to consider, his need for blood and blood products, his failing kidneys and his general poor health made everything that much more difficult. However, in the five days following his hypothermia and his first seizure, Rodney began to bounce back. He was by no means healthy but he was a little less close to death.

There was so much planning and preparation required everyone was completely absorbed in what they were doing, and a more lucid Rodney was going stir crazy. Carson and Jennifer refused to let him have his laptop, and Radek wouldn't agree to staff meetings around Rodney's hospital bed. So he was forced to sleep, or lie there with his mind's manic ramblings making him even tenser. These factors worked to make a very cranky physicist, who spent his time awake complaining and barking at whoever had the misfortune to be in his eyesight. By the third day of this abuse, Carson had had it.

"Why do you people have to make so much noise? Can't a dying man get some sleep?"

Every time he said he was dying Carson felt his stomach twist in knots. If Rodney was more attentive and less self-absorbed, he could see that Carson was exhausted and walking around with frayed nerves. Unfortunately, he was about to pay the consequences of his narcissism.

"Rodney, please take it easy on the staff, they don't deserve to be bullied by you."

"Well if they weren't so incompetent and lumbering around like cattle making huge amounts of noise, I wouldn't have to complain."

Seeing the look on Carson's face made the physicist realize he'd made a mistake.

"That's it! I am sick of your petty and obnoxious behavior! These people having been taking care of you, and worried about you, for weeks and you treat them like dirt! I don't care if you _are_ dying, it doesn't give you the right to be an asshole! I don't know how any of us put up with you, let alone poor Jennifer!" With that, the enraged Scotsman turned on his heels and stomped out.

The whole clinic heard Carson's tirade and it became eerily quiet. The infirmary was now seemingly empty, leaving Rodney alone with the words still ringing in his ears.

"I'm sorry…," he whispered to an empty room.

_He's right I am an asshole. No one should have to put up with me, least of all Jennifer. I knew this would happen; everyone would be better off if I would hurry up and die. _

Suddenly very aware of his circumstances he sank into a deep pit of regret and self-loathing. He didn't say a word for the rest of the day.

After Carson calmed down, he regretted what he said to Rodney. Though he didn't regret telling him to quit being a jerk, the doctor wished he hadn't said the bit about putting up with him. He knew that Rodney would take his hasty words to heart.

_Damn it Beckett you know he's just scared. Why'd you have to say that? He's probably lying there wishing he still refused to get help, wishing he were dead…Oh God what was I thinking?_

At the end of the day John walked into a suspiciously empty infirmary, it was strange to find it so quiet knowing Rodney was here.

_I hope everything's okay. _

He walked around the corner to the ICU where Rodney was, and found him staring miserably at the ceiling. The look on his friends face made his heart contract. Rodney looked desolate.

"Hey buddy, what's going on?"

"You don't have to do that."

"What do you mean?"

"You don't have to be nice to me."

"Why wouldn't I be nice to you?"

"Forget it Sheppard. Just leave me alone."

_What the hell?_

"Rodney?"

"What?"

"Look at me."

"What do you want Colonel?"

_Something happened. _

"I want you to talk to me."

"What for?"

"Because you're my friend, duhh"

"It's okay Colonel you don't have to pretend anymore."

"What the hell are you talking about McKay?"

"It's okay, you don't have to tolerate me anymore. I know I'm a pain in the ass."

_Oh hell…Rodney I don't know if you really think that or if this is just a pity party. Or even something to do with the cancer. What am I supposed to say?_

"Yeah you are a pain in the ass. But you're_ my _pain in the ass."

Rodney smiled a grim smile.

"That makes me feel _so _much better."

"Look Rodney, you are sometimes difficult to deal with, especially when you're scared or you feel powerless. I can't think of a time when you would feel either of those emotions more. So yeah you are being kind of a jerk, but anyone would."

_He's just saying that. He feels guilty. I knew I shouldn't have said yes to any of this._

"It doesn't matter now."

"What does that mean?"

"I don't want to talk about it anymore."

"No Mc Kay you are not going to say things like that and then run away. Tell me why you're so upset."

He gave a derisive chuckle.

"Gee I don't know Colonel Charmed Life, why _would _I be upset?"

John felt his jaw clench and his hands grip the bedrail in anger.

_Rodney you bastard, you're trying to piss me off!... And it's working._

"Okay, yeah you have a raw deal but we are all doing everything we can to save you, so give us a break."

Rodney could see John was pissed and trying to control his anger. He didn't care he wanted to fight.

"You know all of this could be over for all of us if it wasn't for your damn meddling. But _nooo_ the great Colonel John Sheppard savior of the galaxy deemed it wrong for me to 'give up'. I couldn't possibly disobey my team leaders order could I?"

John sank into the chair closest to Rodney and put his face in his hands.

"Rodney, if I thought it was what you really wanted I would have backed off, and made everyone else back off too."

"Why in the hell would I want to stay here like this? My body is shutting down, and now my brain is too. Why would I want to bother people for whom my friendship is already a burden? No one deserves the unpleasant task of dealing with me like this? Besides, my usefulness has run out, no one needs to put up with me anymore, because I can't save Atlantis in this condition even if I do live, it's over for me here."

John felt such compassion for this damaged brilliant man he felt himself tear up.

"Rodney, we want you to live so we can be with you, not so you can save us. I am sorry you have that impression, but believe me when I say we want you to live because we like you."

Neither one said anything for a few minutes. John was leaning on his folded arms that he rested on the bed rail, and Rodney played with the hem of the blanket, staring at it as if it held answers for him. When he finally spoke, it was in a tired voice of resignation.

"I thought I had all this settled and then I let myself be convinced to give the chemo a try. Now I'm just not sure of anything."

"Yeah, I can see where that would mess with your head… What happened to set this off? And don't try to blow me off; I know when something's bothering you."

"Well, I made Carson mad. He said I was being an asshole and that he didn't know how any of you put up with me especially Jennifer."

_Wow, he must have really pissed Carson off._

"Were you?"

"What?"

"Were you being an asshole?"

He looked just like a little kid confessing for breaking the window; Mc Kay wouldn't look at John at all.

"Yeah I guess I was."

"Rodney, I have no idea what you're going through, but I can't believe you would ever think Carson had anything but love for you. He's exhausted and you must have really made him mad for him to lose it like that."

"I guess you're right."

They were quiet again.

"John?"

"Yeah, Rodney."

"I really am scared. It was easier when I didn't have hope. When I didn't think about leaving all of you behind. When I hadn't considered what me dying meant to Jennifer."

"I know, I get it. Someday though I hope you'll finally believe we care about you and not get be so damn insecure."

"Me too."


	12. Chapter 12

A/N: Here's an update. Hope you like it.

Disclaimer: I don't own SGA

Tell me what you think.

* * *

Radek scrubbed his eyes again to make sure he read the Ancient database correctly. "I wish Elizabeth was here or Dr. Jackson, they could tell me for sure. Rodney… Rodney would know too."

He sighed at the thought of Rodney, he was going to miss him.

_Stop Radek, is not dead yet. Keep looking._

He decided he would ask Mr. Woolsey if he could go with the group leaving with Rodney in the morning. He printed out what was on the screen and ran to find the expedition's leader.

Carson came into Rodney's room and found Jennifer was there already.

"Oh, excuse me, I'll come back later."

"No Carson, I was just leaving." Jennifer gave Rodney a stern look.

"Okay, thanks. I'll see you in a minute Jennifer; we have a few more things to go over."

She nodded and smiled at him warmly as she left the two friends alone.

"Hey."

"Hello Rodney. You're looking much better."

"I feel better, thanks."

"You ready to go?"

"Not really looking forward to going to the SGC on a gurney, you know, hooked up to IV's and oxygen."

"No I guess not."

"It's just so humiliating. All those people watching me."

Carson smiled. "It's Sam you're worried about."

"Yeah, I can't stand looking so weak."

"Rodney, Samantha Carter is your friend."

"I know but we've always had this… you know, a competitive thing between us."

"I would have thought you'd be over it after she was your boss for a year, and now that you are engaged to Jennifer."

"I know it's stupid. I just want everyone to remember me like I was on Atlantis. The best me, not this broken down weakling I am now."

"Rodney, you are anything but weak. Most people in your situation would not have survived this long. Now quit fretting. I want to talk to you for a minute."

Rodney shifted uncomfortably, not looking forward to what Carson was going to say. He wished they could just forget it ever happened.

"Look at me Rodney. Good. I want to apologize for what I said to you, for the words I used, and for raising my voice. I was angry and tired, so I lashed out at you."

Rodney swallowed his urge to argue with him and said, "Thanks, I appreciate that. I'm sorry for being such a jerk to everyone."

"I have more I need to say. Let me finish okay?" Carson interrupted.

"Sorry, go ahead."

"Even though I was aggravated by your behavior, as a physician I should have never allowed myself to lose perspective and my temper. The truth is it's easier as your friend to be mad at you, because then I don't have to feel so damn sad. I hope you can forgive me."

"Of course I forgive you, and I am sorry for being a jerk. It's just been …you know."

"No I don't know, but I can imagine. You have been incredibly brave through this and the fact you are willing to keep on … It's the most brave thing you've ever done. I am very proud of you."

Rodney didn't know what to say to that, he could feel his face burning with embarrassment. Carson waited for him to respond.

"Okay, umm thanks."

The room was quiet again. Carson finally spoke after a minute.

"Whew, I'm glad we got that out of the way!" He said with a broad smile.

"Me too." Rodney grinned.

"Now let's go over the plan again."

Rodney groaned. "Do we have to?"

"Aye lad we do."

"Fine, let's get it over with."

"Good lad." He patted Rodney's leg.

"Okay, we'll be leaving in about an hour. You, Jennifer, John, Radek and I will be going through the gate. I want to keep your O2 up and keep the IV's just in case. When we arrive at the SGC Dr. Lam and her staff will meet us and we will transfer you to their infirmary. A Navy oncologist, Dr. Chris Morgan, will be waiting for you. He's considered one of the best in the country."

"If he's so great why is he in the Navy?"

"He left a very lucrative practice to join the military after 9/11; his brother was in the World Trade Center."

"Oh… Then what?"

"Then we will all talk with Dr. Morgan about your chemo protocol and you can ask him any questions you want."

"After we get you settled, John will have to come back, but Jennifer will stay. I will come back here to cover for her until you come back."

"Wait did you say Radek? Why is Radek going?" Rodney suddenly realized Carson said Radek was coming through the gate with them.

"I'm not sure exactly, something to do with needing Dr. Jackson to help him translate something."

"Hunh."

_Uh oh, I know that look. He's upset that Radek didn't ask him._

"Rodney, there are other scientists you know… and Dr. Jackson is the Ancient language expert… I'm sure Radek needs his expertise for something or he would have come to you."

Rodney looked around as nonchalantly as possible, fighting the urge to freak out about not being needed.

"Oh yeah, absolutely Jackson's your man for obscure dialects."

_I didn't sound too desperate did I? I have to learn to let this go, I'll only drive myself crazy._

"That's right he is, now can we get on with this?"

"Oh yeah sorry… Please go on."

"One of the first things they will do is put in a port."

"The thing that goes under my skin, right?"

"Yes, exactly."

"That's so cool."

Carson laughed he had never really thought about it that way. Sure, it's cool to doctors but it was cool on a whole other guy level too.

"Yeah it is it's like being a cyborg almost." He teased.

They grinned at each other.

"Sheppard's going to be _so_ jealous." Rodney smirked.

That sent them into a fit of laughter.

John walked in just as they began laughing.

"What? What's so funny?"

That only made them laugh more.

"Okay, I'll just wait until you guys are done."

He crossed his arms like a disapproving teacher waiting for the boys to settle down.

Once Rodney and Carson quit giggling, Rodney looked at John sheepishly.

"We were just…"

"Yeah ,I know it was something about me. Now can we get this show on the road? I want to talk to Rodney before we head out."

"Aye, Colonel I was just finishing up. Why don't you stay?"

"If it's okay with Rodney."

"It's fine with me."

"As I was saying, they will put a port in, under your skin a few inches below your collar bone. It will make it easier for you, less needle sticks."

"What does it do exactly?" John asked.

"It is called a subcutaneous implantable port. It's a permanent device consisting of a reservoir placed under the skin that is connected to a catheter placed in a large vein. This allows us to give you fluids, meds, even nutrition, a lot quicker for us and a lot easier on you."

"Sounds pretty cool Mc Kay."

"I know right!"

Carson smiled, happy the two could find something fun in this.

"Anyway, that's about it. Do you have any other questions Rodney?"

"Yes, I wanted to know more about this intrathecal chemotherapy."

"Well I'm not the expert on that—"

"I know but I want _you_ to explain it to me."

"Fair enough, because you have developed CNS involvement of your cancer, we need to treat that on a separate pathway than your other chemo. The intrathecal- chemo has to be administered either through a reservoir placed in the brain or injected slowly into your spine by an experienced oncologist."

"Will it make the leg thing go away?"

"That's the hope."

"What are the side effects?"

"It will probably give you a headache and may make you sick to your stomach, sometimes other side effects occur but every person is different."

"What about the other chemo?"

"Rodney, I haven't chosen your protocol so I can only answer that in the most general of terms."

"Well, am I going to throw up? Will I lose my hair?"

"Again, I don't know. It all depends on what you and Dr. Morgan decide to use for your treatment, and on how your body reacts to the medicine."

Rodney let it sink in and then turned to Carson.

"Alright, thanks Carson. Can you give me and John a minute?"

"Certainly, I have some more things to get ready any way."

He gave Rodney a smile and walked out of the room to let the two to talk.

John sat in the chair next to the bed and sighed.

"You alright ?" He nodded his head towards Carson's retreating form.

"Yeah we talked."

"Good. How are you feeling about all of this? After our conversation yesterday I was worried we pushed you into this."

"Well you did. But it's okay, I think you know if I really didn't want to do this there would be no way you could make me."

John chuckled at that.

"Yeah Mc Kay, you're one stubborn son of a bitch."

"Don't forget I'm resourceful too."

"Rodney there is no doubt in anyone's mind that if you wanted to, you could run off and do what you want, and we couldn't stop you. I'm just glad you're giving us … no yourself, this chance."

Rodney shifted nervously under John's intense gaze.

"Sheppard quit looking at me like that!"

"Looking at you like what?"

"Like I'm gone already, I can't take it!"

"It's not like that Rodney. I'm just thinking about all the fun we're going to have getting into trouble when you come back."

John's voice cracked, but Rodney decided not to comment, he could see his friend was having a hard time.

"I know I can't wait to see Woolsey pull out the rest of his hair."

The two began laughing in earnest.

When their laughter faded into a pensive silence, John steeled himself and put his hand on Rodney's arm.

"Rodney?"

McKay swallowed hard, alarmed by John's touch.

"John?"

"You know the things you said to me last week? I just want you to know—"

"That's alright Sheppard I get it. We're good."

Oh, how John wanted to take that offer of dropping it, but he knew he couldn't let it go unsaid.

"No, you need to listen to me. I need to say this."

With a sigh Rodney said, "Fine, if you must."

"I need you to know Rodney that you are my brother, the one I always needed and couldn't have with my biological brother. You make me laugh, you stand by me, and you challenge me intellectually and emotionally. Because of you, I am a better leader, a better man. I could never have gone through these past six years and survived without you. You are an extraordinary man and my best friend. Of all the things Atlantis has given me your friendship is the most precious. I want you to know, as corny and girly as it sounds, that I love you too, and I will do anything for you."

The moment expanded into a heavy silence, where both men fought to keep their composure.

"I—I … Thank you." Rodney choked.

"Come here buddy."

John got up, bent over to Rodney, and gave him a heartfelt if awkward hug.

"You ready to get the hell out of here?"

"Well one infirmary is the same as another."

"I hear ya."

Jennifer held back as long as she could before telling the two friends it was time to go, and that she wanted a minute with Rodney too.

"What's going on in here? What are you two plotting?"

"The usual."

"Great, either you're going to blow something up, or I won't have hot water for a week."

They gaped at her in mock shock.

"How could you say such a thing Jennifer?" Rodney shrieked.

"With my mouth, see I open my lips and then my diaphragm forces air over my vocal chor—"

"Oh ha ha."

"I can see what you see in her Mc Kay." John's smile was huge.

"She's all right I guess."

"Meredith Rodney Mc Kay! You better knock it off or you get no kisses from me!"

John hissed, "Watch it Mc Kay she looks like she means it."

"You know I could always get them from John, he does love me you know."

Jennifer cracked up at that and John turned beet red, and retorted, "Forget it McKay, Ronon has dibs on me."

"Oh well I guess if you're into that beefcake thing then Conan's your man."

They were all giggling like school kids when Carson came in.

"What the heck is going on in here?"

The trio looked innocently at Carson.

"Nothing, we're just talking."

"Yeah right, well come on Colonel I think these two need a minute."

"Bye John." Jennifer said sweetly.

"Bye John –John dear." Rodney squealed.

John rolled his eyes as Carson pulled him out of the room.

"


	13. Chapter 13

A/N: I know this story is very interior or character driven. But after I get Rodney settled there will be much more adventure, I swear.

Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN SGA

Pick it apart I love it.

* * *

They were now in the last few minutes before the walk to the gate, and the infirmary was full of activity. Richard Woolsey walked into Rodney's room to find him with a rare moment alone.

"Hello, Richard."

"Hello Rodney, are you ready to go?"

"As ready as I'll ever be."

"We'll head out as soon as Carson and Jennifer come back. John and the team are waiting outside the clinic for us, Radek is with Chuck finishing up some calibrations or something."

"What calibrations? What's wrong?"

Richard ignored Rodney's panic and went on.

"I've cleared the gate room but the hallway is lined with people waiting to wish you well."

"What do you mean?"

"Rodney as hard as we tried to keep your illness and departure quiet, I'm afraid that in this city it is virtually impossible to keep a secret. It seems the whole city is waiting to say goodbye."

Rodney had no idea what to say to that. He felt his eyes sting with unshed tears.

"Why? I mean they don't even like me."

"Rodney, they do like you, and care about you. They know that without you the Wraith, the Replicators, or any number of other disasters would have taken this city and their lives many times over. They know that because of you they are safe and can live a comfortable life in an entirely different galaxy. Face it Rodney you are a hero."

John came walking in just as Woolsey finished speaking.

"Yeah Rodney you are a hero. We'd all be dead without you."

"Whatever, Sheppard." Rodney rolled his eyes.

"Sorry to interrupt Mr. Woolsey, but wanted to give you a heads up. Carson and Jennifer are trying to clear the hall of Rodney's admirers. When it's clear we can head out."

"Thank you Colonel, I'll stay here with him until you're ready."

"Great, be back in a minute."

"Rodney I wanted to say that I have enjoyed working with you and I look forward to your return."

"Thank you Richard, but I think you know as well as I do that I'm not coming back."

"No, Rodney I don't know that, and you don't either. There is always hope."

Rodney snorted at that.

"Richard you can't be serious. I would think you of all people would be aware of what the situation is."

"I'm sorry you feel that way, but I feel certain that if any person could overcome this illness it would be you. Besides, don't forget, anything can happen in the Pegasus galaxy."

Rodney muttered something just as Carson, Jennifer, and John walked back into his room.

"All ready Mc Kay?"

"As I'll ever be."

"Great, I've got Lorne's guys holding the crowd back, so let's get rolling."

Carson looked at Rodney with concern. "Rodney, are you all right?"

"Sweetie you look a little pale." Jennifer's brow wrinkled with concern.

"I'm just nervous. Can we just get this over with?"

"Yeah let's get out of here." John said impatiently.

"_Mr. Woolsey, Colonel Sheppard ? Chuck and I have finished the calibrations we are ready to dial the SGC."_

"Thanks Radek we're on the way." John gave them a nod.

"Okay, Rodney here we go."

Ronon pulled the gurney, Carson and Jennifer took either side of Rodney near his head, and Teyla stood near his right leg. John and Richard followed them all, keeping an eye on the friendly crowd.

"Goodbye Dr. McKay, hurry back."

"We'll miss you, Dr. McKay."

"Bye…"

"Good luck!"

"Get well Dr. Mc Kay!"

The words came and went continuously as they rolled down the hall. At first Rodney tried to look at them all as they went by, but he became overwhelmed with emotion, and found himself closing his eyes trying to keep from bawling like a baby.

_I never would have believed this. All these people saying they care about me. That they will miss me? I just don't understand…_

"Rodney… honey look at me." Jennifer called.

He choked back his tears, and opened his eyes.

"What's wrong sweetheart?" She whispered.

"I don't understand… Why are they all here?"

"Because they love you and care about you, because you are a part of their Atlantis family, a very important part."

He couldn't take it in, he turned his head back to watch the ceiling through half closed eyes, as it passed over his head.

Fortunately, Woolsey and Sheppard made sure only essential personnel were in the control and gate room, so their goodbyes would be a little less public.

Chuck and Amelia were standing by the gate along with Radek.

"Goodbye Rodney, hurry back. We'll miss you." Amelia said as she bent down and gave him a hug.

"See you soon Rodney. I may come to visit, while you're at the SGC." Chuck said as he shook Rodney's hand.

Rodney didn't know what to say, he didn't share their faith in his return.

Then Radek's eyes met his, their conversation was in the look they shared, it was the short hand of friends. They didn't need words.

Rodney said quietly, "Thanks guys."

The room was quiet with an occasional sniff of someone crying. John could see what it was doing to his friend and nudged Richard, who was standing next to him.

Richard got the hint and called to the tech," Dial the gate!"

Rodney looked around at his friends and the gate room; by now, the crowd had moved to the hallway outside. His eyes swept over the faces of his city, his family. He wanted to remember every detail. Rodney was sure he would never return, and time stretched into eternity as each chevron encoded, and then came to a stop, with the great whoosh of the wormhole engaging.

"Okay let's go…" John said.

"Wait! I have something I want to say." Rodney's voice was barely loud enough to be heard over the hum of the gate.

All of Atlantis paused to hear his words. The tech's in the control room amplified the sound to the whole city.

"I don't know if I'll survive this, or whether I will ever return. Nevertheless, I can truly say that I will die a happy man, because of all of you and because of Atlantis. I never lived until I came here, until I found my purpose in living, until I found my family.

There are four things I want… No, you _need_ to remember:

Never, take one another for granted. You never know who will be the person that saves you from danger, or from yourself.

Don't forget how precious each day is here in the Pegasus galaxy because as you know, it may be your last.

Remember, never surrender, and never leave anyone behind. There is always a way if you just keep trying.

Whatever happens in the future take care of each other and take care of Atlantis, we need her as much as she needs us.

Thanks for being my family, and for being a part of my great adventure. See you around the galaxy.

His words echoed through the chamber and into the halls beyond, filled with people. For a moment, it was silent, and then someone began clapping and it swelled to appreciative applause. John let Rodney take it in for a minute and began moving the party through the gate. There wasn't a dry eye in the place, and the sound of Atlantis' people cheering her scientist on, faded away into the frozen quiet of the wormhole.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: This is the last update for a while I think. I need to take a break.

Disclaimer: NO OWN SGA, if I did it would be going into a seventh season

All comments welcome.

Generals Landry and O'Neill stood waiting in the embarkation room for the contingent from Atlantis. Carter and Jackson had yet to join them, and Dr. Lam was still assembling her medical team. They weren't expected for another half hour or so but the waiting gave the men a chance to talk.

"Damn shame about all this." Landry said.

"Yeah, Carter's really upset… McKay's really grown during his time on Atlantis."

"He sure has changed a lot." Landry agreed.

" I've been reading his mission reports. He's quite the hero these days." O'Neill replied.

"Not to be crass, but do you have any thoughts about his replacement?"

"Now Landry let's not go there yet. Give the meds some time to work."

"I know Jack, but I hate to say it but Mc Kay may be irreplaceable. There's no one short of Carter that can fill his shoes."

"What about that Z-Zinka fella?"

"You mean Dr. Zelenka? He's a brilliant scientist, but he doesn't have the off world skills of Mc Kay, and let's face it, it's Mc Kay's quirky way of thinking about a problem that ends up saving everyone's asses at the last minute. He's Atlantis' Hail Mary Pass."

"Yeah I know I really hate to break up SGA-1's team, they're _almost _as good as SG-1."

"Do you mean _my _SG-1 Jack, or _yours_ ?"

O'Neill smirked at that. "Well there's nothing like the real thing, you know."

The men chuckled.

"You don't think they'll try to send Carter do you?" Jack asked.

"No, not with the Ori still being dealt with."

"Good." Jack O'Neill had enough of Carter being in another galaxy.

* * *

Samantha Carter couldn't believe what was happening today. She would get to see her Atlantis family in just a few minutes, an occasion that should bring her nothing but pleasure, but only filled her with dread.

Ever since she found out about Rodney's illness she'd been going crazy trying to find an answer, a cure, in anything she'd read or heard about. Sam even sought out a Go'auld sarcophagus, but Jack and Daniel found out and put a stop to it. There was also a thought of seeing if the Tok'ra needed a host, but Sam knew that just like Jack, Rodney would never go for having a "snake" in his head, no matter how noble a snake it may be, or how it may save his life.

Now all Sam could do is be sad. The worst moment in all of this so far was the moment she had to tell Jeannie. The look on her face broke Sam's resolve and they sat on Jeannie's couch and cried together. Jeannie was here today also, another reunion that should have been for such better reasons.

So, as she waited to join everyone in the gate room, she tried to let all of her tears out, so that when they arrived she could focus on Rodney and what he needed, and on finding a way to save him.

* * *

Jeannie sat on the bed in the guest quarters the SGC provided her with, missing her big brother already. She wasn't a fool, she knew what sending him here meant, what intrathecal chemotherapy meant. Rodney was as close to dying as you could be; the odds were not good for his full recovery. It was a fact everyone seemed to ignore or simply refuse to agree to. It didn't make her more hopeful, just more angry. She was no fool she knew she was here to say goodbye.

Daniel was walking down the hall towards Sam's lab. Sam was having a hard time with Rodney's cancer and Daniel knew she needed a friend who at least understood the cantankerous physicist a bit. No one else who'd ever worked or met Rodney in the SGC could really appreciate the man he was now. Daniel had a new perspective on Rodney since working with him on Atlantis, and hearing of his bravery and selflessness on countless occasions. He also understood what it meant to be the scientist in the middle of a military team, the geek to the jock in the group, the unlikely best friend to a military leader. The fact is that Daniel had a soft spot for the Rodney, and he found himself saddened by what all the Lanteans were going through.

Daniel walked in to find Sam staring at her monitor not really focused on what she was reading, he knew her well enough to know that even throwing herself into work wouldn't help the way she was feeling she needed to talk. She couldn't really talk to Jack he didn't know Rodney the way they did, so it was up to Daniel.

"Sam?"

"Hey Daniel." She sighed.

"Uh you okay?"  
" I'm okay. It's just hard to imagine him like that."

"Yeah I know. He's always so animated I can't imagine seeing him sick."

"You know we really got to be good friends while I was on Atlantis. He really is an extraordinary person. I was so happy to hear he and Jennifer were engaged, now…"

She choked up a bit and Daniel walked over to her and put his arm around her shoulder.

"Hey it's going to be all right. This is the Stargate program we don't give up and if we don't find miracles we make them."

Sam smiled at him and wiped her tears away.

"You're right, let's get Jeannie and head to the gate room."

* * *

They found Jeannie about to leave her room and head to the gate alone.

"Hey it's almost time, thought we'd walk with you."

"Thanks Sam, Daniel."

The walk was quiet and quick each with their own thoughts to keep them company.

The trio walked in to see the two generals and Dr. Lam's medical team waiting at the foot of the ramp to the gate.

"Hey Carter, Daniel, and Mrs. Miller."

"Hello Dr. Carter, Dr. Jackson, and Mrs. Miller, we're just about ready." Landry said.

Just then, Harriman called out from the control room, "Incoming wormhole. Dr. Mc Kay's IDC."

Sam swallowed hard when she heard they used Rodney's IDC it was a sign of respect, and it may be the last time he ever used his IDC, or the gate. The meaning was not lost on the rest of the somber group either.

"Open the iris Walter." General Landry said, and the iris scraped open to reveal the shimmering event horizon.

First through the gate was Ronon who was pulling Rodney's gurney, then Teyla, Jennifer, Carson, surrounding Rodney, and John, Radek and Richard Woolsey.

It was all they could do to keep from gasping at the sight of the frail man only recognizable as Rodney by his impossibly blue eyes. He gave them a wan smile, and closed his eyes. By the time the gurney was at the bottom of the ramp, it was as if Rodney had used up all of his energy to make the journey. His O2 sats began to plummet; his heart rate became more erratic. There was no time for pleasantries; the three doctors and the medical staff ran Rodney to the infirmary to get him stabilized.

No one said anything as they rushed Rodney past all they could hear was the medical team calling out stats and directions as they went down the hall.

It became eerily quiet, like the moment was expanding the silence was broken by the gasp of Jeannie Miller.

"Oh my God John, he really is dying."

John was by her side in a second his arms around her and comforting her.

"Shhh Jeannie, it's just a shock for you seeing him like this, we've had time to adjust, you haven't. He's stronger than he was, and he is tougher than he'll ever admit, don't give up on him. He's here to fight, and we're here to help him."

She nodded and cried some more into John's shoulder.

Daniel had his arm around Sam's shoulder, and the rest of the company while all stoic in nature were also visibly moved by Rodney's appearance.

Landry spoke next. "Why don't we go up to the conference room and wait until Dr. Lam says we can go visit Dr. Mc Kay. We have some things we need to discuss."

* * *

Rodney began to stabilize quickly he suffered a minor seizure, but that was to be expected and his anticonvulsants were doing their job. He was asleep and resting comfortably so they left him in the capable hands of the infirmary staff and joined everyone else in the conference room.

"Come in doctors come in. We were just about to discuss Dr. Mc Kay's status, and what the plan is to help him."

"Yes well he had a seizure but it was minor, his O2 is back up he is resting comfortably. I think we can schedule his consult with Dr. Morgan in the morning as we hoped." Dr. Lam said. Rodney was now her patient, and Jennifer and Carson could go back to being his family members.

"Thank Dr. Lam that's good to hear. Given the advanced nature of his disease, do you feel he has a good prognosis?"

Not one of the doctors said anything. That was answer enough for all of them. The mood grew even more grim.

"Dr. Zinka why are you here?" Jack asked.

"That's Zelenka sir." Carter scolded.

"Oh sorry. Yeah, so Dr. Zelenka why are you here? Shouldn't you be on Atlantis?"

"I was wondering the same thing Jack." Landry agreed.

"Woolsey why is he here?"

"Well generals I have left Major Lorne and Dr. Simpson in charge of Atlantis they are both very capable and can take the watch while Colonel Sheppard and I are here. As for why Dr. Zelenka is here it's best if he tell you himself."

"Please do Zelenka." The tone was skeptical but interested. It was a voice Landry used when he wanted people to cut to the chase.

"Yes, I have been searching Ancient database since Rodney became ill. I have found mentions of healing device throughout the database, but two days ago I found an obscure text that not only seems to describe such device, but has possible location. The problem is translation, is very difficult dialect. I need Dr. Jackson's help."

There was a sudden glimmer of hope in everyone's eyes.

"Let me get this straight, you think there's an Ancient doo hickey out there that can cure McKay?"

"Yes, General O'Neill, is my hope."

"Good then you Daniel, and Carter go to Daniel's lab and get started. Sheppard, you and Woolsey need to meet with Landry and me in private. Teyla, and Ronon take Mrs. Miller to get something to eat and then when these three say you can, you have my permission to sit by your team mate's side.

Doctor Lam I want you to find this Navy guy and tell him we want a meeting in two hours. Oh and Doctor, tell him that's an order from two generals.

Dr's Beckett and Keller familiarize Dr. Lam with Dr. Mc Kay's medical history before Morgan shows up; any fool can see Mc Kay doesn't have time to waste. Okay people you all have your orders get going."

After the bustle of the different groups heading out to their tasks O'Neill noticed Landry looking at him.

"What?"

"Nothing really… It's just last I checked this was my command."

Jack grinned, "Oops sorry Landry. Old habits…"

Landry laughed, "I'm kidding Jack! Now can we get on with our debriefing?"

Woolsey and Sheppard sat nervously during the exchange between the generals and were visibly relieved when things remained friendly.

* * *

"We are aware of the emotional issues surrounding this situation, but we want to let you know that Dr. Mc Kay's health is a priority to this command and we will use every resource available, and offer you whatever support you need to find a way to cure him."

"Thank you General, that means a lot."

"Mr. Woolsey, given the likelihood of Dr. Mc Kay is going to be away for quite some time we need to know how Atlantis plans to cope with his absence."

"Yes general we have given it much thought. Dr. Zelenka will take over for Dr. Mc Kay as CSO and spread his duties around the department so that nothing gets missed. We are prepared."

"Glad to hear it. You are dismissed until it's time for the medical briefing to begin, we'll get word to you when it's time. Now get something to eat and take it easy, we have a big day tomorrow ."


	15. Chapter 15

Radek handed the much spindled print out to Daniel and a thumb drive to Sam.

"This is entry I need translated. On the drive is compilation of all mentions I have found in the database."

Daniel perused the Ancient text, his eyes beginning to widen as he read on.

"This says there is a planet where an Ancient lab with this device was abandoned. It was abandoned because of the Wraith. Apparently they have a cloning facility there and it is heavily protected."

Radek sighed, "I was afraid that's what it said."

Sam looked at Radek and said, "You can't tell John, he'll do anything to save Rodney."

"I cannot lie to him Samantha, Colonel Sheppard sees too much."

"Why don't we send a MALP through and see if there's still a danger there. Maybe it's on the planet they already destroyed."

"No, is different one, out on far edge of Pegasus."

"The question now is why haven't we seen evidence of these Wraith? Their numbers are steadily dwindling if this cloning facility was still on line wouldn't we see a surge in hives?" Sam was back into expedition leader mode, as if she never left.

"Yes, I wondered the same. Rodney's cure is almost secondary, to the need to find out what's happening on that planet." Daniel replied.

"Radek?"

"Yes Colonel Carter."

"How much information do you have on this planet?"

Radek grinned. "Is all on thumb drive..."

With a shared smile the trio leaned over the monitor to watch as the data from the drive flowed across the screen.

"Jeannie I do not believe Rodney will succumb to his illness. He is very strong and blessed of the Ancestors. We will find a way to save him."

Jeannie nodded absently at Teyla's confident words. All she felt was cold and empty, she couldn't muster the strength required for hope, false or otherwise.

Ronon sat as still as a stone the only thing revealing his presence was his impossible size and the heat radiating off his lumbering figure. Even his breathing was silent. He was in lockdown mode, his team mates knew that he was best left alone during these moments of brooding. And brooding he was. He couldn't get the sight of Rodney's blood cascading down his nose forming a river of gore that flowed down his neck and flooded his chest, soaking his blue uniform shirt into a purplish black slick. As much trauma as Ronon had experienced he was unprepared for how this scene would shake him. He knew from one look at McKay that he was dying, that his annoying friend would probably not survive. What no one knew was that Ronon too recognized the blood sickness when he saw it. His younger brother died from it when they were teenagers. The big man was lost in his own sadness and was unable to help anyone else with theirs', not even Sheppard.

"Ronon?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you know the way to the infirmary?" Teyla asked him.

"Yeah, come on."

He stood up and began striding out of the mess hall not waiting for the two women to catch up. As he turned out the door into the hall, he almost ran into Teal'c.

"Ronon, it is good to see you though it saddens me the reason you are here is Dr. Mc Kay's illness."

"Thanks, you too."

"Teyla." Teal'c leaned his head towards her in acknowledgement.

"Teal'c it is good to see you." Teyla responded.

"This is Dr. McKay's sister Jeannie Miller."

"Yes, we have met. I am sorry for your brother's sickness. He is a brilliant and surprising man."

They all smiled at the Jaffa's description of Rodney, it was spot on.

"We are headed to the infirmary if you care to join us?" Teyla asked.

"I am afraid Colonel Carter has requested I join her in Daniel Jackson's laboratory. But do give Dr. Mc Kay my regards."

Ronon and Teal'c shared an arm clasp and a look that said volumes, and they went their separate ways.

* * *

Captain Chris Morgan was shuttled down to the base of Cheyenne Mountain, his patient was involved in some top secret mission and was too ill to be transferred to Portsmouth Naval Hospital where he was stationed. Though Morgan was relatively new to the military he was the physician to much of the brass at the pentagon, there was a surprising number of senior officers with some form of cancer on active duty. The state of the world was such that the military couldn't afford to lose a treatable officer, and most remained on active duty as long as humanly possible. Oddly enough, he was more busy now than when he had his private practice.

The complex was impressive, and though it was spacious and well lit Morgan couldn't help but feel the slight panic at the thought of thousands of tons of mountain pushing down on them.

_Deep breaths Morgan, you can't afford a panic attack here, your patient needs you, you can be claustrophobic later._

After what must have been half an hour and several elevator bank changes and security checks they arrived at the level where the infirmary was. He was accompanied by two marines it gave him comfort to see other branches here besides Air Force, but it was clear they weren't there for his comfort but to keep him from straying to restricted areas. The group of service members from the Department of the Navy walked down a narrow hallway divided by a green stripe that curved around to a junction of two other hallways with different colored stripes. At the intersection, the visitor found his group waiting for the right a way from an unusual trio of civilians, and in the other tunnel stood two generals, a Colonel, and some sort of DOD employee, it promised to be a Mexican standoff, until one of the Generals held out his hand and introduced himself.

"General Landry, you must be Captain Morgan."

Chris nodded and shook the man's hand firmly, choosing to ignore the snickering from the other general at his name.

The smirking general held his hand out too. "General Jack O'Neill pleased to meet you _Captain Morgan._"

As irritating, as it was to have this joke about his name made continuously O'Neill's charm made him smile.

"Good to meet you sirs."

He noticed the dark haired Colonel watching him skeptically and wanted to start moving again. The man's scrutiny was unnerving, but it was nothing compared to the giant with dreadlocks in the group standing in the left tunnel.

"I was just headed to the infirmary; these helpful Marines were escorting me."

"No worries Captain we'll take you." O'Neill said as he waved the Marines off and began to lead the odd group down the hallway lined in yellow.

They arrived at the infirmary in a few minutes, Chris was impressed by the state of the art equipment in the tiny facility, and by the beautiful Dr. Lam.

"Dr. Morgan, thank you for coming so quickly." Her almond eyes were sincere.

_Watch it Morgan, you're here for a patient not to find a girlfriend._

"My pleasure Dr. Lam, while I may be new to the military and in the Navy no less, even I know better than to turn down a request from _two _Generals."

Everyone smiled at his humor and the tension lessened significantly.

"Would you like to see his chart?"

"No I think I'd rather meet my patient first."

"This way then."

Morgan could feel the collective eyes of the group on him and heard their footsteps begin to follow him.

"Just a minute Dr. Lam. Generals, sirs? I need to see my patient in private first and then you may join us." His tone left no room for negotiation, and the men acquiesced.

Dr. Lam led him to a small isolated room off the main infirmary, where a very sick man lay.

The man turned his head to see who was entering his room when his eyes locked on Chris'. Those eyes were astonishingly blue, he had only seen eyes that blue one other time in his life and that was in the eyes of one of the kids he RA'd for in college. That poor kid was a genius and had been sent to college at the age of fourteen, he needed the protection of the RA frequently.

There were two other doctors in the small room, one also a beautiful woman, and another a man about his age.

"Dr. Carson Beckett and this is Dr. Jennifer Keller. We are here as family members but we can help with his more recent medical history."

As they introduced themselves, Chris heard the shuffling of a large number of feet entering the room behind him.

_Great I have two generals and three doctors and who knows how many other people watching my every move. Just who is this guy?_

"Thank you I'm sure I will need whatever you can give me. Now I'd like to meet my patient."

He walked to the side of the bed and the man's eyes followed him, looking up into his face as he stopped and gently picked up his emaciated hand and said, "Hello, my name is Captain Chris Morgan, I am a Navy oncologist and I'm here to help you. What's your name?"

The frail man began to smile. "Hello Chris. Long time no see."

For a moment, he was confused because he recognized that voice, those eyes… "Rodney? Rodney McKay?"

"Yep it's me."

"You know you could have just emailed me, this is a bit extreme even for you." Chris joked.

"Yeah well you know me, I'm never one for subtle."

The whole room laughed at that. These people obviously knew Rodney quite well.

"By the way where the hell have you been? Last, I heard you were in Antarctica of all things. Then you just seemed to disappear."

Suddenly the dark haired Colonel spoke up.

"Mc Kay mind telling us who the hell this is?"

"Oh yeah sorry… Chris was like a big brother to me while I was at university. He was my RA and kept an eye on me. I was only fourteen and needed all the help I could get."

"He was a mess. Had no social skills at all, being fourteen only made it worse. But he kind of grows on you. I missed you kid."

"Kid? I am nearly forty Chris, hardly a kid."

"Well I'm nearly fifty, so yeah you're a kid."

"As touching as this is can we get on with why we're here?"

The bald bespectacled man said with irritation.

"Oh, yes certainly." Chris picked up Rodney's chart and began reading he walked to a nearby stool and sat down never taking his eyes off the chart.

_Damn, Rodney you poor bastard._

"What the hell Mc Kay? How'd you get so sick?"

"What do you mean?" Carson asked.

"Well from the looks of it he spiraled down quickly and should have been on chemo a month ago. Before the CNS was apparent."

Everyone looked around nervously.

"It was my fault Chris."

Morgan knew exactly what he meant, he'd seen Rodney's self destruction and self loathing in action before.

"Well for a freaky smart genius Mc Kay, you can be such an idiot."

"Yeah, so I'm told. So what do you think?"

"I think you look like crap."

"Besides that."

"I think we better start with the chemo now. After we get you going then tomorrow or the next day we'll do the intrathecal chemo."

"You don't want to discuss the protocol?" Jennifer questioned.

"No, there's no time to hem and haw about this. He's given us no wiggle room we'll have to use the strongest and most aggressive protocol we have, and start right now."

Behind them, Dr. Lam's gloved hands pulled bags of chemo from the med cabinet. Morgan had emailed what he thought was a good combination for aggressive ALL and she had it all on hand.

"Hey Chris?"

"Yeah kid?"

"Meet my future wife and my family."

He waved Jennifer over to him.

Morgan whistled. "Beauty and brains, a doctor no less, I knew you had it in you kid."

Jennifer blushed.

"And all these people are my family, this is John Sheppard my best friend, Teyla Emmagen is like my big sister, Jeannie _is _my little sister, Ronon well he's my big brother and Carson is my other best friend."

"What about these generals?"

"Oh they're kind of like my dads and my bosses. And Richard's my favorite uncle." He pointed at Woolsey.

The older men blushed and laughed.

"Pleased to meet you all, it's great to see the kid has such a wonderful family. Now I'm afraid you guys are going to have to get out of here so I'll give you each a minute with him while Dr. Lam and I prepare his chemo."

Thus began his first round of chemo, and the fight to save Rodney Mc Kay's life was underway.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: This story has turned out to be way more ambitious than I ever intended, and far more dialogue driven than I expected. I am building up to some serious rising action but it is taking forever to get there. Arrgggghhh I also see where I have made some errors in continuity as well as my standard butchering of punctuation. If I knew how to use a Beta I would, it's just that really does a terrible job explaining the procedure, and for the life of me I can't figure it out.

Apologies to any medical personnel out there, for my inexpert skimming over things but I decided I couldn't afford too much detail anymore so I could finally get to the action.

Do excuse my verbosity in this A/N.

Disclaimer: I do not own. If I did we would have the movie (as promised) by now.

Please be kind in your reviews my ego is somewhat fragile now… lol just kidding, feel free to skewer me.

OoOoO

"Jack we have to check this planet out. If there's a cloning facility and it's full of hibernating Wraith we have to destroy it. Finding the Ancient device is secondary."

Jack stalked around Daniel's lab picking up random artifacts. He was considering his words carefully.

"Sam, I don't know if we have the resources to pull such a mission off. We're just beginning to bounce back from the war with the Ori, and the man with the most knowledge and experience with Wraith tech is dying in our infirmary. I can't authorize what promises to be a suicide mission."

The small room was crowded; all of the original SG-1 members plus Radek were there. The Czech wasn't intimidated. He spoke freely and passionately.

"With respect General, I have not known you to be an overly cautious man. Your reputation is that of man who sees big picture and is not how you say, mired in bureaucracy, much like our Colonel Sheppard. The Wraith are losing the war, and their food supply is dwindling. However, as you know they have already attempted to come to the Milky Way and Earth, and with an infusion of troops, we will be unable to stop them. As sad as it is to say Rodney's illness truly is of no importance compared to annihilation of Earth and the people of Milky Way."

O'Neill knew the scientist was right, he also knew it was the thought of Carter going on such a mission that gave him pause. He would have to put his fears aside, there was no way they could let such intel go.

"Yeah, you're right Zinka… I mean _Zelenka._ We need to discuss this with Landry and the President; I want a full brief ready in two hours. I need to know the Ancients information and the tactical ability and personnel required to successfully complete this mission, Colonel."

With that he turned on his heel and walked out.

Teal'c raised his eyebrow and looked at Carter and Daniel, they nodded in agreement, Jack was pissed and his teammates knew it, and knew why.

"Don't worry guys he'll be all right." Carter said.

Daniel's shrug was non-committal. Teal'c answered "Indeed."

Radek cleared his throat and said, "We need Mr. Woolsey and Colonel Sheppard for the brief."

"I agree. But whatever you do don't let Rodney know what's going on." Sam replied.

"Yes, would be very bad. Rodney will try to go on mission with IV in arm."

They laughed for a moment and then grew somber, going on this mission was dangerous, and there was no guarantee they would survive or bring back Rodney's miracle.

"We better go find Sheppard and Woolsey." Daniel sighed and they left.

O0OoO

Rodney's first night of chemo had gone fine; he was beginning to think it would be a cakewalk…

Now twelve hours later he was puking his guts out, shivering one minute and ablaze the next. All he wanted was for it to stop, and he had six more sessions of this, he was a much more brave man than he let on, but this was humiliating, demoralizing and miserable. He wasn't sure he could handle more days of this torture.

"Oh God… Why am I doing this?" He trembled after vomiting for the third time in ten minutes.

Jennifer's tiny cool hand brushed his brow wiping away the sweat that accumulated there.

"Shhh I know sweetheart. I am sorry. You are so strong and brave, you can do this, I know you can."

Her heart was breaking for Rodney's suffering, but she was terrified he would give up.

"Aye lad you are the most stubborn man I know."

Carson was biting his cheeks to hold his optimistic smile in place.

John just stood by the door of the tiny room with his arms crossed and a look of consternation on his face. He was angry. Seeing his best friend go through this hell was wrong on so many levels. Hadn't he been tormented enough, injured enough, given enough? Why did it have to be Rodney?

As Rodney began another round of throwing up Samantha Carter came in. She couldn't hide the look of sorrow that flashed over her face before she regained her composure.

"Rodney?"

"Yeah Sam," he gasped.

Carter walked to his bedside and held his unoccupied hand. Her eyes caught Jennifer's and she nodded.

"You hanging in there?"

"I guess," he croaked.

"Listen, can I borrow John for a minute?"

"John?" He looked puzzled. "He's here?"

Everyone exchanged worried looks and Carson pulled out his penlight to do a neuro check.

"Rodney I need to check your pupils."

"Oh God Carson, puking's not enough now you need to stab my brain with your penlight of doom?"

"Sorry lad I have to do it." He performed the test and then checked Rodney's tendon reflexes he wasn't pleased with what he found.

"Excuse me I'll be right back." Carson murmured.

"Where's he going?" Rodney grumbled and looked toward the door.

"Who's over there? I can't see you. Come closer."

"It's me Mc Kay."

"Sheppard, why are you skulking in the dark?" Rodney squinted in the Colonel's direction.

"Oh you know me I am a skulker."

Rodney huffed a small laugh. "Yeah you are. What's the matter no hot Nurse's to charm?"

John fought the urge to tear up at the banter. "No, but that Dr. Lam? Man is she gorgeous." 

"Watch it John, she's General Landry's daughter." Sam admonished.

"Ah hell, there go my evening plans." He quipped.

They were interrupted by Captain Morgan, Dr. Lam and Carson's return.

"All right I need everyone out of here who is not a doctor and is engaged to the patient."

"See ya Mc Kay."

"Try to stay out of trouble Kirk."

"I'll be right outside Rodney." Jennifer assured him.

"I'll see you later Rodney." Sam said, and they all walked out leaving Captain Morgan and the other docs to it.

Safely on the other side of the door, Jennifer plopped down in a chair and began to cry.

"Hey Jen, shh it's okay." John said as he walked over and knelt down to hold her hand and look her in the eye.

"No it's not John, he couldn't see you! Don't you get it, he's got cancer in his brain!"

"Jennifer, I know this is horrific and feels hopeless but we are going to fix this. We will get our Rodney back." Sam averred.

Jennifer nodded blankly and whispered, "Could you guys give me a moment alone?"

"Sure, we can do that. Why don't we go get you something to eat and coffee or something?" John patted her hand gently.

"That would be good…thanks."

"Okay we'll be back in a few minutes Jennifer." Sam rubbed Jennifer's shoulder in reassurance then turned and walked out followed by a subdued John.

"So what is it Sam?" John asked as they walked down the hallway to the mess.

"There's a situation."

John didn't like the sound of that it made the hairs on his neck stand up.

"What do mean a _situation_?"

"Let's get Jen something to eat first and then find Woolsey. I'd rather not repeat this twice."

"Alright, but I can tell I'm not going to like it am I?"

"No I don't think so, but we need to hurry because we have a meeting with Jack and General Landry in an hour and a half."

They hustled through the line at the mess and rushed Jennifer her lunch. They found Woolsey in his quarters.

"Richard we need to meet in Sam's lab, something big is going down."

Woolsey arose from the small desk and walked quickly with them to Sam's lab.

All of SGA-1 were there plus Radek, and most of Sg-1, Vala and Mitchell were off world. The eight people assembled were more than adequate to handle almost anything Pegasus had to throw at them, but they all were aware what a hole Rodney's absence created.

"Okay for those of you who weren't here earlier I will give you a brief synopsis of what's going on."

"During Radek's search of the Ancient database he came across the mention of a healing device that was being researched in a lab on the outer edge of Pegasus. As promising as the device seemed, they abandoned it because the Wraith came, and we believe killed the scientists, and then built a cloning facility. The question is why haven't we seen evidence of these Wraith, and do we have resurgence in their population to combat in the near future?"

There was a pause and then the room erupted in questions.

"What are we waiting for?" Ronon asked.

"What of the device do we not wish to obtain it?"

"Will the brass let us go?"

"Alright people let her talk!" John yelled above the din.

"That's all I have to say really, except that we need to brief the generals and possibly the President in a little less than an hour."

Silence took over.

"Am I to understand Colonel Carter that you need us to come up with a suggested plan of action in less than an hour?"

"Yes that is exactly what I am saying Richard."

"Then I recommend we get started we don't have time for dithering about. First, I need to know what the operational requirements would be for such a mission. Colonel Sheppard, what are your thoughts?" 

"We would need at least two teams and two jumpers. It may be good to have Deadalus or Promethius as well. If there are thousands of Wraith on the planet the Asgard weapons we help a lot."

"I'm afraid both ships are unavailable, they are dealing with the remnants of the Ori fleet."

"Okay then we need some serious explosives and a hell of a lot of luck."

"How many personnel?"

"I would like at least eight. We would have to have some people with the gene, and some who have experience with Wraith tech. Whoever goes has to be used to off world missions."

"I agree Colonel Sheppard. So who do you prefer be on your team?"

"Well SGA-1 obviously, but Radek will have to take Rodney's place, Major Lorne for his skills as well as his gene. I would love it if SG-1 could join us that way we could divide up and look for the device and take out the cloning facility. Don't forget there may also be ZPM's there as well… The more I think about it three teams would be better. That way we have coverage for our sixes. So I'd like some Marines too."

"I agree with your assessment Colonel Sheppard, and I am prepared to authorize you the jumpers and personnel. However, as you know I have no control over SG-1 that is entirely up to General Landry and presumably General O'Neill and the President."

"I think Jack will go for it, as for me count me in." Sam said.

"Me too." Daniel chimed.

"It would please me to join the mission as well, Mr. Woolsey."

"Great, I knew I could count on you guys, now we just have to work out the details and convince the Generals."

"Let's get started then."

Sam pulled her whiteboard over and they began brainstorming, Radek furiously typed the brief from what was decided. At the end of their hour, they had a plan typed and printed for the Generals.

OoOoO

"Rodney, your cancer is causing some neurological problems, so I think we need to do both the intrathecal chemo and the standard chemo simultaneously."

"What does that mean?" He asked tiredly.

"Well, I know you are pretty miserable right now, unfortunately this has the potential to make it worse."

Rodney groaned. "_Worse?_ Like how?"

"The intrathecal treatment is prone to giving headaches and has been known to cause nausea as well."

"Great, so glad I chose treatment. This doesn't suck much does it?"

"Rodney we can give you some medication that helps with the discomfort by relaxing you. We will also use anti-emetics and something for pain relief as needed. We want you to be as comfortable as possible." Carson soothed his friend.

"Whatever, let's get it over with. But you should know if this doesn't work, that's it I'm done."

"Dr. McKay, I'm not sure what you mean by …_if this doesn't work?_ What is your definition of _working_?" Dr. Lam asked.

"What's yours? I have no idea what my expectations should be. Frankly, I expected to be dead by now or damn close to it."

"That is a fair question and I am sorry we haven't addressed it before now. What we would all love to see is what we call _complete remission, _is that likely? I'm not sure we can assume such a result with the advanced stage of your disease, and the type of disease. The next best outcome is _partial remission, _which means that there is still evidence of the cancer but it is greatly reduced and your symptoms are usually much better. I do think we can realistically aim for _partial remission_."

"Does _partial remission _give me more time Chris?" All he cared about was time with Jennifer at this point.

"It certainly does."

"Okay, then hurry up and give me the intrathecal before I start puking again."

"Do you understand the procedure?"

"Yeah I think so, it's like a spinal tap right?"

"Yes, and no, because we will be injecting the chemotherapy agent into you, not just removing cerebrospinal fluid, it takes longer because of that."

"Fine, just do it. I'm tired and want to go to sleep." He sighed and closed his eyes.

"Rodney?"

"Yes, Carson."

"Why don't I get Jennifer in here to be with you during the procedure?"

"No! I don't want her to have to see me go through more than she already has."

"Now Rodney don't you think she will be hurt if you keep her away?"

He thought about it and knew Carson was right, but this drama was what he wanted to avoid to begin with. Still he realized that Jennifer would resent being left out and he really didn't want that.

"Bring her in here then."

"Good lad."

"Hey Rodney Dr. Lam and I are going to prepare your meds why don't we let you and Jennifer talk alone for a bit?" Chris asked.

"Sounds good, but seriously hurry this up I'm not feeling so good."

"What do you mean?" The Navy docs eyebrows wrinkled in concern.

"I feel rotten, and so tired…I don't know if I can stay awake much longer." His eyes closed again.

Dr. Morgan looked at Carson and said, "We better take his BP, and his O2 sats aren't as high as they were."

"Aye, I'll do it, you two get the chemo ready."

"Rodney I'm putting the blood pressure cuff back on you." He pushed the button on the machine and waited.

"90/50. That's a little low. Let me talk with Dr. Morgan and see if he wants to do anything."

_Whatever Carson just leave me alone and let me sleep._

"All right I'll go get Jennifer for you."

Rodney nodded imperceptibly, and drifted off.

OoOoO


	17. Chapter 17

A/N: Here's an update the boring stuff is almost over!!!! YAY!

Thanks for hanging in there!

Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN SGA

* * *

"So, let me get this straight, you want to take Sg-1 with you with only a few marines as back up?" Jack sounded pissed.

"Jack, why don't you get a cup of coffee, while you're at it get me one too." Landry said.

Jack knew he wasn't being rational he was scared as hell for his best friends and the woman he loved.

"Yeah, good idea." He stalked out.

"Where were we Colonel Carter?"

"As I was saying we have no contemporary intel on this planet, but from the combined experience of the SGA-1, and SG-1 we are confident that the two teams along with Major Lorne and a contingent of Marines, in three jumpers will be more than adequate.

Along with naquadah generators, and supplies, we will bring with us ordinance and two Mark V nuclear devices. The mission as we see it is to investigate the cloning facility, look for power sources such as ZPM's, and to find the Ancient healing device.

The planet is on the outer edge of Pegasus away from the Milky Way. SGA has only begun the grid search of worlds in that area so very little is known. We considered sending a MALP, but decided doing so would eliminate the element of surprise. Essentially it will be a snatch and grab, and as stealthy an operation as possible. Are there any questions?"

"Just one, when can you be ready?" The president said through the video conferencing device.

"In three days sir." Sam replied.

"Thank you Colonel Carter and Sg-1, and SGA-1, we will give you our decision in two hours, Woolsey you stay." The president dismissed them and they all exited the conference room.

"I can't believe I just met the President of the United States."John was grinning.

"Yes he's a great guy and an even better leader." Jack walked up to them coffee in his hands.

"You know him?"

"Well we have worked closely with him and the Joint Chiefs; you know the whole saving the planet thing." Daniel replied.

"Listen Sheppard, if you want to talk about—"

"Thanks General, but uhhh—"

"I lost my geek too… watching Daniel die was the second worst thing I ever experienced."

John felt his eyes fill and his throat tighten. "Yeah, it sucks."

Jack put his hand on John's shoulder and squeezed it gently. "Colonel we're a very unique bunch, no one else can really understand what this life is like. We are a family, we take care of one another, and no one, I mean _no one_ gets left behind. So yeah we're going to take out a Wraith cloning facility but as far as this family's concerned we're going to save Rodney."

John nearly lost it, and Jack patted him and let his friends takeover. John could feel Sam and Teyla's feminine touch, Radek's hand on his shoulder, and he could feel Ronon's huge arms encircling them all.

They held on to one another for a long time, until Teyla said, "Let us go to see Rodney." They broke apart and walked quietly to the infirmary.

* * *

Rodney lay with his back bowed, clenching his jaw and clutching the sheet with one hand and Jennifer's with the other. He had an IV of chemo flowing into the port in his chest and was now having CSF removed for the intrathecal chemo to be injected.

"Hang in there Rodney, we're half way there."

"Aye lad you're doing great." Carson's voice was thick with emotion at the suffering Rodney was enduring, knowing it may be for naught.

Jennifer couldn't speak for fear of failing to be positive. Being a doctor made it virtually impossible, knowing what they were up against with this disease. Rodney's ALL staging was at IV now and with the CNS involvement things were as near hopeless as you could get. One thing was in their favor, that this was Rodney's first chemo treatment, and often the best results are with the first round it is later that chemo stops working, and bone marrow is the last option.

"Okay Rodney take a deep breath and try to relax your muscles. I know it's hard but it will make it easier on you." The Navy doctor told his old friend.

_Oh God that hurts, my head feels like it's about to explode, and this crap is making me freeze. _

Rodney gasped, as the pain in his head seemed to be progressing geometrically.

"Almost done Rodney," Chris said calmly.

"Shhh you're doing great." Jennifer ran her fingers gently across her fiancée's pale and glistening brow.

"Oh God… please hurry, I think I'm going to p—"

"Whoa Rodney try not to move, I know it's hard," Chris said as Jennifer placed a kidney shaped emesis basin next to the ailing physicists head.

"Go ahead lad he's finished but take it easy, we need to lay you flat on your back."

Rodney began vomiting making his head explode in a brilliant agony. The pain made him lose consciousness.

"Bloody Hell!" Carson stalked out into the hall, he couldn't take it anymore.

He was standing there fuming and pacing when the Atlantis contingent walked up lead by Samantha Carter.

"What's wrong Carson!" John ran up looking panicked.

"I—I don't, I—I can't …"

"It is alright Carson we understand. Is Rodney through with his procedure?" Teyla asked with gentle concern.

Carson slumped down in the chair beside the door to the isolation room, and buried his head in his hands. "He's suffering, we're basically torturing him. I can't believe how brave he is."

"Carson, is he, you know okay?" John knelt down to the troubled Scotsman.

"Aye as okay as you can be with poison being injected into your veins, and spine."

John paled and nodded as he stood up and walked away.

"I'm sorry, I just feel so helpless. He's holding his own, I'm the one falling apart… He's amazingly brave, he always has been." With that, Carson walked off down the hall in the direction John went.

* * *

Rodney awoke on his back, shivering and trembling, his head screaming and his stomach roiling. He groaned and someone placed a cool cloth on his aching brow.

"Thanks," he croaked. "How much longer?" he waved his hand at the bag hanging next to the bed, never opening his eyes.

"Not much longer and then you only have five more treatments."

"Great… I can't wait." He sighed and fell back asleep.

* * *

"Sir, I think we need to check this out." Landry said.

"Are you positive this isn't really about McKay?"

"Well he is an extremely important member of our team, and as he says the most brilliant scientist in two galaxies." Woolsey replied.

"I'm sure, I've read his file, and the man is a force of nature. But can we afford to risk all the others for him?"

"Mr. President, this mission is necessary we can't afford to ignore the threat of a Wraith cloning facility, as for Dr. McKay he is an asset we would be foolish not to try to save." Richard Woolsey had known this man a long time since he was a Senator he had no fear of being blunt with him.

There was a pause and the President sat back and crossed his arms, thinking.

"I think you're right. General, give them everything they asked for and divert one of the Asgaard tech ships with a full complement of pilots, just in case."

"Thank you sir."

" I hope we get what we want out of this, the alternative is unthinkable. Goodbye Woolsey, … General keep me posted."

"Yes sir."

The screen faded to the Presidential seal.

"Richard, are the up to this? With McKay being so ill, are they going to be..._distracted?_"

"I assure you their concern for Dr. McKay will not distract them or cloud their judgment. These people understand the fate of two galaxies ould be riding on the outcome of this mission."

"Good to hear. Now why don't we get some lunch and then tell them our decision?"

"Harriman?" Walter came running in.

"Get Mr. Woolsey and me whatever they're offering in the mess and then go find Sheppard and his gang and get him in here, along with Jackson and the others."


	18. Chapter 18

A/N: Sorry for the wait, RL had me in her dungeons of despair.

Disclaimer: Not Mine

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Rodney turned his head and he reached new vistas of pain. Someone pushed the little pink kidney thing under his mouth as he began heaving, each spasm was agony, his throat was raw from all the vomiting and the bile burned as it exited his stomach. He shook from the effort, his muscles trembling. He was about to make a decision that no one would like.

"Jen? Is that you?"

"Yes, it's me."

"Jennifer come closer I can't see you."

Jennifer moved her chair up to the head of the bed and leaned in to Rodney.

"Hey." She began stroking his head gently, ignoring the hair being caught in her fingers. _I can't let him know his hair is falling out._

"Hey." His voice was almost a whisper. "Jennifer I—I can't take this anymore." The tone was pleading.

"I know it's hard but you only have two more days left."

"Jennifer, it's too much. I have nothing left to give_. Please_… let me stop."

Her throat constricted and she couldn't have spoken if she wanted to. Tears ran down her face like a cascade of sorrow. She could only shake her head no.

"I'm s-sorry I know I am hurting you, but I just can't go through another day of this—torture." He flinched at the word even as he uttered it, because God knows Rodney McKay was no stranger to torture.

She lay her head down on her arms and stared at him through the tears, his eyes told her how much pain he was in, how sad he was. His eyes begged her to let him go.

"Rodney, I can't. I'm sorry. I just… _can't_."

He sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. "Well it's my decision, and I am quitting." He did his best to sound angry or righteous, it only came out as heartbreaking resignation. "I don't understand why you wouldn't want me to stop this suffering. Why Jennifer? And _don't _tell me it's because you love me."

She had a decision to make too. She had been hiding something from Rodney since he became ill. She didn't want it to worry him in case it didn't work out. However, now there was little danger of things not coming to fruition. Would it be cruel to tell him now? Would he think she was lying? Or worse, being manipulative? She cleared her throat as much as she could, and told him.

"I'm pregnant."

There it was it hung in the air like a death knell. What should be joyous was now something of dread. It would only cause them pain to know he would be dead before his son was born. And yes it was his son, she had genetic testing done to rule out a familial birth defect and found that their baby was not only perfectly healthy but also a boy.

She waited for his reaction. He turned away from her his jaw clenched. His face was rigid, his emotions difficult to ascertain. After what seemed an eternity he finally spoke.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to say to that, or how I'm supposed to feel, but I think I need a moment alone."

His words had a hard edge to them and were tinged with anger.

She knew it would be unwise to push him; it was clear he was at his breaking point, so she nodded her head and said softly, "Okay."

He heard the door close and said as loudly as he had energy for, "If there's anyone else in here get the hell out!"

Rodney wanted to scream. He wanted to cry. All he could manage were epithets thrown at God.

_It's so fucking unfair. I wait my whole life for this moment and I find out weeks, maybe days, from my death. God you suck! You weren't satisfied with giving me one of the crappiest childhoods ever, or the desolation known as my twenties, you had to let me feel good, let me relax and think I would spend the rest of my life happy. I guess it made it that much sweeter to take it all away from me now… You sadistic bastard._

He started to weep as quietly as he could, he didn't want anyone to know he was so devastated lest they fawn all over him. He wanted to be left alone. Suddenly the scent of oranges filled the room._ Great oranges, well I guess it has a certain symmetry. _ Then he closed his eyes to the wavering light that clouded his vision.

Rodney's body decided something too. It decided to start seizing; monitors were going berserk as he flailed around the bed banging his head off and on the rails. It was a full sixty seconds before anyone came in, his head was bleeding from its repetitive bouts with the guardrails, and his sats were dropping rapidly.

"Get in here Jennifer I need help!"

Jennifer had walked to the coffee pot in the nearby conference room to get a much needed jolt of caffeine as she was coming back she heard Chris Morgan calling her, and the sound of screeching monitors.

She ran in and held Rodney's arms so Chris could inject the Ativan into his port.

"Damn this is lousy timing."

Rodney had his last intrathecal dose of chemo that morning so he wasn't supposed to be moving around.

The Ativan started to take effect and Rodney's jerking limbs stilled.

"We need a scan and an EEG." Dr. Lam added as she walked into the room. "How long was he seizing? I see he has hit his head."

"I don't know he was already well into the seizure when I came in."

"It couldn't be more than a couple of minutes; I just stepped out for a minute or two and went to get a cup of coffee."

Dr. Lam lifted Rodney's eyelid to check his pupils, and found the violence of the seizure had caused the blood vessels in his face and chest and even his eyes to burst. He was covered in tiny petichiae, like tiny red freckles.

"I wish we didn't have to move him, but we have to get him under one of the Ancient's scanners or an MRI, ASAP. We have to check his brain out."

"I agree we have to do them to see where we stand. But I want to intubate him just in case."

Jennifer struggled between what she thought Rodney wanted, and her hope that the baby would change his mind. Fortunately, or unfortunately she wouldn't have to make that choice, because Rodney began to wake up.

"No." He croaked.

"What are you saying no to Rodney?"Dr. Lam asked.

"No tube." He was exhausted, and each word was using up what little energy he had.

"Are you sure, because you may not have the chance to change your mind later? It will be much harder on you if we have to put one in during an emergency." Chris was praying Rodney wasn't about to say "no" to everything.

"No chemo, no tube. No more, just no." His voice faded out and he went to sleep or became unconscious, either way he could not be argued with.

"That's it then. We stop. No more chemo and no intubation. We'll just keep him breathing with the bi- pap and try to keep him from seizing again. We can keep feeding him parenterally, until he says no, and we can give him meds for nausea and pain. That's all we're allowed according to his living will. And yes he has a limited DNR that says we can try to resuscitate him a reasonable amount of times, meaning no extraordinary measures or last minute heroics. What is deemed reasonable will be determined by his medical proxy."

"Who's his medical proxy?"

"Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard." Chris replied.

"Why isn't it me or Carson?"

"I asked him the same thing, he said that he didn't want you to make that decision, and that Carson shouldn't have to either."

"What about John? I mean… it will kill him."

"Yeah I asked that too. Rodney told me that he trusted John with his death as much as he did his life. He also said that he knew as hard as it would be for John that he would do what the will mandated and what Rodney wanted."

There was an uneasy silence filled with the hissing of the oxygen and the sound of modern medicine at work.

"I'll tell him."

Jennifer needed air; some _real_ air not re-circulated, hundreds of feet below the earth, air. She would find John and make him take her topside for a walk. Rodney was stable for now and if she didn't breathe she was going to go insane. Besides this recycled air couldn't be good for the baby. She felt her hand instinctively go to her slightly bulging belly.

_Don't worry uncle John will find a way to save Daddy._


	19. Chapter 19

A/N: We are headed through the gate in the next chapter had to get the goodbyes underway first.

Disclaimer: I don't own.

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"So I guess I'll head back to Atlantis and get the jumpers and teams ready?" John said.

"Yes, we need to be ready to go in twenty four hours." Sam replied.

"Have Radek and Daniel found anything more in the database about this planet or the device?"

"Not really, so we'll be going in somewhat blind."

John nodded both of the Colonels knew exactly what it meant to walk blindly out of a stargate.

"I guess I better go see Rodney and Jennifer then head through the gate."

"How's he doing?"

"Not good. I'm afraid he won't finish the chemo."

"Why? He's come so far. There's only what, two treatments left?"

"Yeah but Rodney isn't exactly Mr. Positive. He didn't want to do it to begin with; we sort of forced him to. I just think he's had enough."

What John didn't say was he couldn't believe how long Rodney had kept it up. John was fairly certain he would have quit after the first intrathecal treatment. He shuddered involuntarily; there was something so disturbing about shooting poison into your spine and straight to your brain that John doubted his ability to even allow one time let alone three.

Sam saw the reflex and said, "Don't worry John we'll find what we need to fix this." Her words were hollow and lacked her usual fierce confidence.

John looked at her ruefully, and simply nodded. The room fell into a pensive silence. The silence was broken by the determined, if not angry stride of Dr. Jennifer Keller.

"John, do you know what that idiot best friend of yours just said?"

_Uh oh. Here it comes._

"I have a pretty good guess."

"You mean you knew about this?" her voice was becoming strident.

"Ummm Jennifer, John , please excuse me I have a few more things to clear up before we leave."

Jennifer gave Sam a terse nod and John begged her with his eyes not to leave him alone with the irate young woman. Sam walked out as quickly and quietly as possible, the sound of Jennifer's tirade echoing into the hallway. For a moment she wanted to remind the woman that it was her office but thought better of it. She didn't want to be on the other end of that scathing tongue.

_She's almost as acerbic as Rodney when she wants to be. I guess I don't need to worry about her ability to handle being married to McKay._

Sam winced as she could still hear the invectives flying out of her office all the way to the elevator.

"Jennifer calm down, it's not good for the baby."

That stopped her mid epithet. "How … I mean… who?"

"Look, I'm more observant than you think. It wasn't hard to figure out."

What he didn't say was that the two other women in his life had clued him to the baby. Atlantis and Teyla. He began having dreams of a baby crying and him running throughout Atlantis to find the baby. He always found the baby in Rodney's lab, or in the infirmary. When he didn't quite get it Atlantis started singing a raucous tune every time John saw Jennifer. It was making John a little crazy and distracted, he finally asked Teyla if she'd noticed anything different about Jennifer.

"Why do you ask John?" Teyla's smile was annoyingly enigmatic and made John want to scream in frustration.

"Teyla for my sanity's sake would you just tell me?" He was completely exasperated.

Teyla thought for a moment and decided that given the circumstances she could share her hunch with John.

"Yes, John I believe there is something quite different about Jennifer. She is with child."

John felt the odd combination of elation drowned in gut wrenching sorrow. He almost lost his turkey sandwich.

"Oh damn." He whispered.

"John, is it not a joyous thing for Rodney and Jennifer?"

"No Teyla it should be, but it isn't. Rodney is dying, this is going to make him feel even more like he's abandoning Jennifer, and what about Jennifer she will have to raise their baby without it's father, everyday a reminder of what she's lost. It kind of sucks."

"I do not agree John. It may give Rodney the hope he needs to fight to live, and as for Jennifer, we all, will love this child as a part of Rodney when and if he is gone. A child is a gift whatever the circumstance, and this child is even more precious to us as Rodney's family."

John had to admit Teyla had a point but his stomach still twisted itself in knots at the thought of Rodney's reaction.

That had been three weeks ago, and he had avoided the topic for as long as humanly possible but as the time for their departure for the cloning facility drew near and Rodney's illness progressed, John knew it was a moment he couldn't run from any longer. He thought it would be Rodney he would have the conversation with but as Jennifer stood in Sam's office her face red with emotion he had to say something if for no other reason than concern for baby McKay.

"Let's just say a little birdie told me."

_Yeah, a ten thousand year old flying city, birdie._

Jennifer accepted his answer, as she was far more concerned with Rodney's stupidity at the moment.

"You have to make him change his mind John, we need him." Her anger was gone and all that remained was quiet desperation.

John answered with a sigh and pulled Jennifer to him wrapping his arms around her. She had become the little sister he never had and it killed him to see her hurting so much.

"He's tired Jen, he's already done more than he wanted. Rodney sees it as pointless torture for all of us."

John felt her shoulders begin to shake, and having no words to say that would make it better, he simply stroked her hair as he held her.

###################################################

Sam stared at Rodney's sleeping form. The man who was once a force of nature was now a pale shadow of his former self. Sam felt her heart squeeze with sorrow at his weakened, and still body. She could also see his light brown hairs all over his pillow, and the faint bruising and lacerations from his head hitting the bedrails during his last seizure. Thank God they had wrapped the rails in linens to protect him from future injuries. Sam wasn't sure if she ought to be glad about that because it meant they obviously thought that Rodney would be having more seizures.

"Oh God Rodney, I am so sorry." Sam whispered, and started to walk away.

"Sam?" The voice was faint and could barely be heard over the monitors. Wiping her eyes before she turned around she came closer to the bed to hear him.

"Hey, Rodney."

"Sam, please keep an eye on my team for me." Just that much seemed to wear him out, but he kept going. "Don't let John do anything stupid and … martyrish. And Ronon too, don't let him try to kill every wraith on the planet by himself. Just blow the damn place up and get the hell out of there. Zelenka will try to talk you into exploring, please don't. It's too late for anything to save me, Ancient or not. I can't be the reason my family is destroyed." He was breathing quickly as if every word caused him pain and made him weaker, he was beginning to drift back to sleep when he opened his eyes again and took Sam's hand and said, "Promise me…" His words were but a whisper but his eyes burned into her.

"I promise Rodney."

He closed his eyes and sighed in relief.

Sam turned to find somewhere to pull herself together and practically ran into Jack standing in the doorway.

"You okay?"

"No, not really, I just want to get this mission started."

"He's right you know."

"What do you mean?"

"You know exactly what I mean."

"Enlighten me."

Jack sighed, "Come on Sam, you know full well if that were Daniel in there we would do _anything,_ and I mean _anything,_ to save him, even if it were the most foolish and stupid thing in the universe. McKay's team feels the same way. Hell, apparently all of Atlantis feels the same, Sheppard and Woosley have been turning down requests to join the mission for days."

"So he's right, so what? Why should I hold anyone back?"

"Because Sam, he's also right that he'll be dead before you get home."

Sam felt Jack's words like a fist to the gut, and tears sprouted in her azure eyes. She angrily pushed past Jack and went to her quarters to finish packing.

Jack watched her go, his arms aching to hold her. He knew McKay had a hold on people, somehow the man just got under your skin and into your heart. It had to be his courage and the generosity of spirit and how he tried so hard to hide himself. But mission reports don't lie and the quality of the people who loved Rodney spoke volumes about his character, more so than any of the scientist's attempts to push them away.

_Don't give up yet McKay, these people are in the Hail Mary business._

###################################################

John walked into the infirmary after leaving Jennifer in Dr. Lam's office. He hoped that Dr. Lam could calm her down.

When he saw Rodney he felt the reality of this being their final moment together hit him like a wrecking ball. He suddenly couldn't breathe and tears began to fall from his eyes.

_Dammit I am such a wreck; I don't want him to see me like this again._

As he wiped the offending tears away and swallowed away his despair he walked to Rodney's bedside and put on his crookedest grin when he saw the pale blue of Rodney's eyes looking up at him.

"Give it up Sheppard, you're not that good an actor."

"What are you talking about McKay? You must have hit your head pretty hard."

"You know don't you."

"Know what exactly? Pi to five hundred places, where to find the best fish tacos in San Diego, how to please a woman?" He waggled his eyebrows playfully.

Rodney gave him a wan smile. "Cut it out John, there isn't much time, you'll be leaving soon." They both ignored the fact that Rodney would be leaving soon too.

"Okay do you mean do I know Jennifer is pregnant or that you are giving up?"

Rodney's face was impassive, his jaw clenched. "Both I guess."

"Well then yeah, I know."

They were quiet again.

"Look, I need you to come back from this thing John. I need all of you to be there for Jennifer. I need you to take care of my kid… my _son_." His voice hitched.

"I will buddy, I promise."

"You better. No kamikaze crap do you hear me?"

John nodded.

"I need you to do a couple of things before you go, can you do that?"

"Whatever you need, I'm there."

"Thanks, I know I can count on you. I want you to have them beam Jeannie here, and I want you to find a Chaplain so I can marry Jennifer before you guys leave."

John wasn't surprised he had begged Rodney to let him tell Jeannie, and the wedding made sense too. There wasn't a lot of time and Rodney's son deserved to have married parents.

"Okay, it will take a while you rest up."

Rodney was half asleep before John walked out the door.

###################################################

"General Landry Colonel Sheppard to see you."

"Thank you Walter."

"What do you think this is about Jack?"

"Not sure."

John walked in with an unusual amount of military bearing. It didn't take a genius to figure out he was about to ask for something big.

"Take a seat Colonel."

"If it's alright with you sir I would rather stand."

"Fine son, go ahead."

John cleared his throat, "Sirs, I am here on behalf of Dr. Rodney McKay. Dr. McKay has two requests he has asked me to convey to you."

"And they are?" Jack asked with interest.

"The first request is that we have his sister Jeannie Miller beamed here to the SGC so he may say goodbye, and the second is a request for a Chaplain to marry he and Dr. Keller." John's nerves left him and he began to slouch into something resembling parade rest.

Landry looked at Jack who just shrugged in an, _it's up to you,_ way.

"I don't see why we can't do that, Colonel."

John beamed, "Thank you sir!" He started to leave and turned back around to face the slightly bemused generals. "Uhhh one more thing, would you mind if we post pone the mission a few hours so that we can all be there?"

Jack answered quickly, "Not a problem. Now go get everything ready." Landry gave him a shocked look as Jack waved John out of there.

"Jack?"

"Sorry I just couldn't tell the kid no. His best friend is dying for God's sake."

Landry sat back and nodded.


	20. Chapter 20

A/N: This has been a lot slower going than I expected but there are too many loose ends to tie up before the mega team heads on their crazy mysterious mission. So thanks for bearing with me.

Disclaimer: Don't own.

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Jeannie Miller was doing the dishes at her sink somewhere in Canada, when a flash of light filled the room behind her and reflected on the night darkened window. She should have jumped but she didn't, she knew what it was, just not the who. She turned slowly as she dried her hands, to find the handsome imp John Sheppard standing in her kitchen.

"Hello Jeannie."

He looked sad, "What's happened? Is he worse?"

John looked at his hands avoiding Jeannie's gaze. "Not, exactly..."

"What is it John?"

"He had a rough time after you came home, and he doesn't want to keep up the treatment."

"What? I was only gone a week."

"Yeah, he wasn't reacting too well to the treatment; he just couldn't take it anymore."

"Okay, let me get some things together. What about Maddie and Caleb? I mean should we, can we …?"

"Uhhh, I don't know? Let me find out."

John turned his comm. on and asked to speak with the SGC. Jeannie busied herself packing her bag. She returned to the kitchen in time to hear John say, "Okay yes sir."

"Well what's the verdict?"

"You can go ahead and bring them."

She smiled at him with a sad smile and left to wake her husband and pack Maddie for their trip.

A few minutes later John could hear Caleb say, "How are we going to explain the beaming to her?"

"We just won't wake her up. We can fly back, it'll be fine."

Caleb walked out to the living room where John was waiting.

"You ready to go?"

"Almost Jeannie's packing up Maddie's things. John?"

"Yeah?"

"How bad, I mean…" he exhaled in frustration at a loss for words.

"It's really bad Caleb, the worst in fact." John's voice quavered.

Caleb sank into the couch trying to take it in.

"I don't know how Jeannie's going to handle losing him, when she just got him back."

"Hell Caleb, I don't know how I'm going to handle losing him. But I have to leave and I need Jeannie there with him so I can do what I have to do."

Jeannie walked in quietly as the two men sat talking, when John finished she said, "It's okay John, I'm happy to be there for him, don't worry. Now can Hermiod beam us up from Maddie's room?"

"Sure Jeannie."

And in a minute they were standing in the SGC. Maddie in Caleb's arms, never stirring once, as they walked to the quarters assigned to them.

##################################################

Rodney was feeling remarkably better, the headache was less torturous, the nausea was manageable, and he had only a couple of more seizures since the chemo stopped. It was less than forty eight hours later but he was already so glad he stopped when he did.

Chris Morgan walked into the infirmary to talk with Rodney about his latest labs.

"Hey Rodney. How you feeling?"

"Much better Chris thanks."

Chris looked at Rodney's chart.

"I see you've quit vomiting, and that your headache's better."

"Yeah, now I only feel like I'm dying, not like I _want _to die." He laughed cynically.

Chris looked at him ruefully. " I have some good news for you."

"What good news?" Rodney awkwardly tried to pull himself up, but found he lacked the strength.

"Well your sister is here with her family, and all the arrangements have been made for your wedding."

Rodney felt himself get choked up. "Maddie and Caleb are here?"

"Yes, and I heard from a little birdie that someone wanted to see you, so I came to see if you were up to it."

Rodney's mind was reeling, he hadn't expected Jeannie to bring Maddie, but it made everything all the more final. He was saying goodbye, that was all he had left, goodbye.

"Uhhhh Chris?"

"Yes."

"Could you ask Jeannie, John and Jennifer to come here first?"

"Sure, just give me a few minutes."

Chris walked out into the hallway where a small crowd of people waited. Jennifer was handing out germ gel, masks, paper gowns and gloves to those who wanted to visit Rodney. His white count was dangerously low and he could not afford to get an infection at this stage, it would certainly kill him.

"Hey guys. He's awake but he asked to speak with John, Jennifer and Jeannie first."

The crowd parted to allow them through, and continued on with their precautions.

"In here, we moved him to keep him more isolated to protect him from infection." Chris led them through the infirmary to the isolation room.

The gloved gowned and masked trio came in single file to Rodney's room.

Rodney started laughing at the parade of masked individuals entering his room.

"You look ridiculous Sheppard." He sniggered.

"What do you mean; I think he looks rather dashing, in a Dr. Kildare sort of way."

"Careful Jeannie you're dating yourself."

"Whatever BIG brother, you are much older than me!"

Rodney smiled and whispered, "For now anyway."

Jeannie's eyes filled with tears and she turned her head, so he wouldn't see. John patted her on the shoulder.

"Rodney knock it off! We're about to get married I won't have you being so molly grubby."

"Sorry."

"Anyway Mc Kay what did you want to see us about?"

"A couple of things really, first I wanted to ask you to be my best man."

John swallowed the lump forming in his throat and croaked, "Of course I'll be your best man Rodney. It would be my honor."

John barely squeaked it out without losing it. Jennifer stood across the room out of Rodney's sight with tears streaming down her face.

"Now some of the more unpleasant business we need to attend to. Jeannie, I have changed my medical proxy to you, as John will be leaving on a mission. I don't want Jen to have to make…certain decisions. I hope you don't mind."

"No Mer I don't mind, I'm here for you." She reached out and took his frail hand into her gloved one.

_You always were the stronger one Jeannie, I need that strength to help Jen and I get through this._

"Thanks, I knew I could count on you. I need to ask John to remain my executor though; you can have the reading of the will when he gets back. Jennifer and I also have another request of you John. Jen?"

"John we'd like you to be the baby's Godfather, and Teyla to be his Godmother. Of course he'll also need to spend lots of time with his Aunt and Uncle and his cousin."

John's face was pale as he considered everything that was said. This was it, after his best friend was married today, John would be leaving on a long shot mission to the edge of Pegasus and most likely returning to bury Rodney and execute his will, the only thing he would have left of his best friend would be Rodney's wife and son. The grief and responsibility threatened to overwhelm him.

"I don't know what to say…"

"Just say yes John."

John was raised Catholic so being a Godparent was a huge responsibility to him even if nothing happened to the parents but this was monumental.

"I—I …yes. I would love to be baby Mc Kay's Godfather."

"Jeannie just so you know I want my son raised on Atlantis, even if, God forbid, something were to happen to his mother, but I also need him to spend time with you and his cousin. So I have asked a big favor and would like you to consider a posting for you and Caleb on Atlantis. I'm still the Chief Science Officer and can hire who I want and have no problem with nepotism. You don't have to say yes, but I wanted you to have the option."

"Wow, Atlantis. I would love it but I'm not sure about Caleb, besides Baby Mc Kay's about to get another cousin."

"What?"

"Jeannie that's wonderful!" Jennifer hugged her soon to be sister in law.

John and Rodney looked around uncomfortably while the women gushed, John could see that Rodney was growing more tired by the second.

"Hey that's great Jeannie I'm really happy for you and Caleb." Rodney said quietly.

"Me too Jeannie, but ladies why don't we let Rodney get some rest before the ceremony."

The women became more subdued as they looked at the pale figure of Rodney, his eyes sunken in darkened sockets, full of fatigue. He offered them a wan smile.

"You're right John we have to get Jennifer ready for the ceremony! Come on Jen." Jeannie's cornflower blue eyes were full of mischief as she pulled her brother's bride from the room.

Rodney sighed, "Can you stay for a minute?"

John shuffled over to the chair beside Rodney's bed.

"How are you holding up buddy?"

"Not so well. My hair's fallen out, not that I had a lot to spare, but I didn't expect my wedding day to be anything like this. Though given my luck I suppose I shouldn't be surprised."

"Hey, stop that. Have you seen your bride? Man if I could do half as good I'd be hitting it out of the park. And on top of that you're having a kid, a boy no less! That is some awesome good fortune if you ask me."

"Well I guess I just figure it doesn't mean as much since I'll be dead."

"Rodney, come on, the fact is, this could be happening without all of these good things, can you honestly say you'd prefer it that way?"

"No, God help me I can't. I know it's selfish but I am so happy I have Jennifer and the baby, I almost forget what I am doing to them."

"Rodney you're not doing anything to them. This is just some rotten luck that's all. You love Jennifer, and she loves you and you guys are going to have a baby together, that is about the most beautiful gift you can give someone, a piece of yourself."

"When did you become Oprah?" Rodney snorted.

"About the same time you became Eeyore." The two friends cracked up.

"John?"

"Yeah, Rodney?"

"Thank you, for everything."

"My pleasure buddy, now you better get some rest before we have to get you dressed for your wedding." John stood to go but Rodney stopped him.

"Would you mind sitting here with me while I sleep?" Rodney couldn't hide the fear in his eyes.

"No, I don't mind at all. You get some rest, we have a big day ahead of us."

"Thanks John."

Rodney started to drift off, but woke back up with a start.

"John?"

"Yes."

"I really do you know."

"Really do what?"

"Love you." Rodney closed his eyes and was finally asleep.

"I love you too Rodney." John whispered.

The mood in the embarkation room was restive and morose. The excitement of the undertaking ahead was tamped down by the reality that Rodney would probably be dead before they returned.


	21. Chapter 21

A/N: Here's an update.

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They had the wedding in the Gate Room because there was not enough room for all the people who wanted to attend the impromptu nuptials in any other place on the base.

The wedding party consisted of Rodney and Jennifer, Carson who was giving Jennifer away, John as the best man, Ronon, Zelenka, and Woolsey as groom's men, Teyla as Maid of Honor and Jeannie as Matron of honor Sam as brides maid with Maddie as flower girl and Torren as ring bearer.

Rodney and Jennifer had a brief argument over who's side Teyla would stand on, but Jennifer won.

Daniel would be officiating.

Behind the wedding party sitting in metal folding chairs was a crowd consisting of one Asgard who was standing, the two generals, Caleb, T'ealc, Lorne (who arrived to be briefed and brought Torren with him), and Dr. Morgan, and finally Walter Harriman.

The gallery above the Gate Room was full of curious onlookers and personnel that knew Rodney from working with him at the SGC and some who had worked on Atlantis as well.

Rodney wanted to stand for his wedding vows but when merely sitting up was a feat; he had to forego the standing.

John had somehow managed to get tuxedos for Rodney, Daniel, Zelenka, Ronon, and Woolsey, elegant navy blue dresses for the bridesmaids and a gorgeous Vera Wang bridal gown for Jennifer. Being wealthy had its privileges and David had been a huge help arranging everything. John was in his dress blues as were all the other military besides Sam.

The music began and Maddie came down the aisle looking adorable as she threw with great enthusiasm the rose petals in her basket. She was followed by Torren carrying the pillow with the wedding rings upon it grinning and looking around at all the people making his walk a much slower one than Maddie's. The pair brought giggles to the waiting crowd.

Rodney reached over to John and pulled him down so he could hear him.

"Thank you. Thank you so much."

"For what?"

"For this, for being my friend, for everything…Just thank you."

John reached out and took Rodney's hand in his and looked him square in the eyes and said, "Rodney it's me who needs to thank you. Thank you for saving my life… Hell, all of our lives too many times to count, thank you for keeping me grounded and sane, thank you for being my best friend."

Rodney just nodded and shook John's hand there was nothing left to say. Just then the music started.

"Here comes your bride Rodney." John said with anticipation.

Everyone stood up as the bridal march started and Jennifer came in arm in arm with Carson.

"She looks like an angel…" Rodney whispered.

"Yeah, she does." John agreed.

The music stopped as Jennifer and Carson reached the foot of the Stargate's ramp and stood next to John and Rodney.

Daniel began, "Thank you all for being here today to witness Rodney and Jennifer's wedding. I know it means a lot to them to have you here. It is fitting that we are here before the Stargate it is the reason we are here and it is what has brought us all together, including Jennifer and Rodney. Being involved with the mysteries of the universe and her peoples has afforded us a unique perspective on the nature of life and existence, as well as what it means to be human, and to be a family.

I never had a family until I came to the SGC and I see many faces here that understand and have felt the same way, including Rodney and Jennifer.

We who travel through the Gate are a unique group; we sacrifice our lives, our well being, and opportunities for Earthly recognition for the thrill of exploration, and the duty of protecting peoples and worlds that no one here on this planet will ever know about.

These challenges make it all the more miraculous to find the kind of love that binds two souls to one another, and this ceremony is in recognition of this miracle. We must celebrate miracles when we come across them because as we all know, the next moment may hold terror or tragedy."

The room grew slightly restless at his words. Daniel continued.

"Who gives this woman away?"

Carson cleared his throat and said, "I and all of Atlantis do." Carson lifted Jennifer's veil, gave her a kiss on the cheek, and sat down in the nearby row of chairs.

"Rodney and Jennifer have decided to say their own vows so I give you the floor, Rodney."

Walter nodded to the booth and the sound system clicked on, he had considerately placed a mic on Rodney so he wouldn't have to strain himself speaking.

Rodney looked around the room and cleared his throat.

"I just want to start by saying thank you to all of you. You'll never know how much you have meant to me." Rodney's voice was thick with emotion. He turned his head to face Jennifer.

_God she's so beautiful…_

"Jennifer, you are so beautiful, so amazing, I can't believe you love me. You are the gift that made all the terrible things in my life worthwhile. Just by existing, you make me believe in the miraculous. I don't know why you love me but I am so thankful you do. Thank you so much for becoming my wife… I love you."

"Jennifer." Daniel said and all eyes shifted to the bride whose face like many in the room was covered by silent tears.

"Rodney, from the moment I saw you something within me recognized you, wanted you. It wasn't just your amazing blue eyes, your incredible mind, your bravery, or even your great ass that made me fall for you."

Everyone laughed and she continued.

"It was your heart, your sense of wonder, the intense way you love and how loyal you are. You are an incredible human being and I love you from the depths of my soul. Just knowing you has been the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced, and now we are becoming husband and wife… I can honestly say my life has turned out to be a fairytale... I love you."

Lorne pushed Torren to the bedside with the pillow holding the rings.

Rodney smiled at him. "Hey buddy, thanks for doing this."

Torren beamed a smile at him and said, "Here Unca Rodney," and handed the pillow to Rodney.

"Thanks but I think you should hand it to John." Rodney pointed to John.

" 'Kay." The little boy turned to John looked up at him with a grin and handed him the rings. "Here Unca John."

"Thank you Torren." John ruffled the boy's hair and untied the rings from the pillow as Torren went back to sit with Lorne.

"May I have the rings?" Daniel asked.

John handed them to him.

Daniel held up the rings, "These rings are not only shaped into circles to represent the unbroken bond of love, but they are made of the same alloys as Atlantis and the Gate and represent the indomitable spirit of humanity and the people of this expedition."

Daniel came down the ramp and handed Rodney and Jennifer's rings to them.

Rodney took Jennifer's hand and said, "With this ring I pledge to you my eternal love, know that nothing in this universe or any other, will ever change that. Not even death." He slid the ring on her finger.

Now it was Jennifer's turn, she took Rodney's fragile trembling hand and said to him, "With this ring I make you mine forever, it will show the world that you own my heart and that no force of this universe or any other, will separate you from me." She bent down and kissed him as she slid the now too big ring on his finger. The two were in a world all their own and didn't hear the cheers erupting all around them as they kissed.

"By the powers bestowed upon me by the state of Colorado and three or four other cultures, I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Rodney McKay … Or should I say the Doctors McKay!" The music started again and everyone began filing out to let Rodney's hospital bed through.

Maddie started tossing her left over rose petals behind the hospital bed and Jennifer as they walked out of the Gate room and toward the Conference room, where some intrepid SGC members had thrown together a little reception. Jennifer was holding Rodney's hand in hers as Ronon, John and Carson pulled the bed along. She felt Rodney's hand go slack and looked down at him; he was so pale it frightened her.

"Rodney?"

Rodney sighed. "I'm all right… I'm just tired… don't worry." Each word was an effort and Rodney was gasping.

"Carson? Get that mask back on him and check his vitals." Carson reached down for the oxygen put it on Rodney and placed a pulse oximeter onto his finger, turned on the heart monitor and slid a blood pressure cuff on Rodney's arm and took his vitals. Not liking what he saw he said to John and Jennifer, "We have to get him to the infirmary."

John grabbed Carson's arm. "Wait." John ran off to talk with the generals and Rodney's doctors. Carson saw their heads nodding and John was back in few seconds.

"What was that all about?" Jennifer asked.

"I want to take him home, home to Atlantis. Don't you Jennifer?"

"Yes, John I do."

"Let me get him stabilized here and then we'll take him home John, I swear." Carson looked at John and Jennifer pleadingly.

"Fine, we get him stabilized and then we go home." Jennifer proclaimed and they changed course for the infirmary. In the few minutes it took to get there, Rodney became unresponsive.


End file.
